Seventy-seven days down, one to go and you have finally decided whom you want to be prime minister.
Only one problem: Jose Bautista isn’t Canadian.
Back to the drawing board.
Here are a few points, a list of pros and cons for each party, that might help you make up your mind before trundling to the polls on Monday:
Three reasons to vote Conservative
1) After nine years of Stephen Harper’s leadership, Canadians know exactly what to expect.
2) The budget is balanced. The Canucks are playing well. What more do you want?
3) If the Conservative candidates were allowed to speak in public, you’d be super-impressed by them.
Three reasons not to vote Conservative
1) After nine years of Stephen Harper’s leadership, Canadians know exactly what to expect.
2) The Ford brothers endorsed Harper. What, the party couldn’t get the guy who shot Cecil the lion?
3) The exploitation of Muslim women in a fear-based election campaign, the manipulation of election law, the muzzling of scientists, the shoddy treatment of veterans, the stifling of dissent, the hounding of environmental charities, the gutting of environmental safeguards, the Orwellian communication control, the Duffy affair, the $160 billion in new debt, the lip service to climate change — all this can be excused.
But some sins are unforgivable: Harper is a Toronto Maple Leafs fan.
Three reasons to vote Liberal
1) They are Canada’s “natural governing party,” most in sync with the nation’s values.
2) Trudeau’s $10-billion deficit would still be less than the average $13-billion annual deficit run up by Harper.
3) Trudeau once punched out Sen. Patrick Brazeau. Bring on Putin.
Three reasons not to vote Liberal
1) The party leader only has a first name, which he shares with Bieber.
2) With his youthful complexion, it’s hard to take Justin seriously. He’s just not ruddy.
3) Justin is pretty sure he remembers where he stashed his weed in 24 Sussex Drive.
Three reasons to vote New Democrat
1) The NDP is Canada’s social conscience, the party of Tommy Douglas and Jack Layton.
2) After 148 years of scandals involving the ruling Conservatives (Pacific Scandal, Munsinger Affair, Robocalls, Duffy) and Liberals (Fuddle Duddle, APEC, Shawinigate, Sponsorship Scandal) it’s time to give someone else a chance to betray the public’s trust.
3) Don Cherry’s head might explode.
Three reasons not to vote New Democrat
1) He’s Thomas Mulcair, not Tommy Douglas.
2) If you think they’re insufferably self-righteous in opposition, just wait until they feel validated and empowered.
3) The polls say the New Democrats started in first place and ended in third. They have run the worst campaign since the Germans at Stalingrad.
Three reasons to vote Green
1) If the other parties went to that much trouble to keep Elizabeth May out of the leaders’ debates, she must be worth hearing.
2) Hugely popular from coast to coast* (*west coast of Saanich Peninsula to east coast of Salt Spring Island).
3) Little likelihood of a caucus revolt.
Three reasons not to vote Green
1) The difference between being in government and being in opposition is the difference between being the GM of the Canucks and being the guy in the bar who says what they should do with the Sedins.
2) Not enough MPs to enter team in parliamentary softball league, forced to buddy up with Bloc Québécois, Libertarians, yogic flyers.
3) The Blue Jays are playing Monday, might as well stay home and watch.
No, no, no, get off the couch and go down to your polling place. Remember, if you don’t vote, you can’t complain.
Feel free to do an emphatic Bautista-style pencil flip after marking your ballot.
