Last week, we had a question about a sixyear-old boy who has difficulty playing in groups on the playground.
"If he is playing with a friend and another joins them, he will sit down and pout or come to me and say that his friend no longer wants to play with him," his mother wrote. "That's clearly not the case - in fact, friends will often come over and ask why he is no longer playing with them.
"He rarely asks his friends to play with him if he sees them on the playground, nor will he join a group of his friends without an invitation. If he does join them and they run off to play in a different area, he does not follow. He just gets upset, assuming they no longer want to play with him. I have explained to him that some of his friends prefer to play in groups, rather than one-on-one like he does. How can we help him get over his fear of rejection?"
Many six-year-olds perceive rejection from peers where there isn't any.
Socializing in the school yard is a brand-new experience at this age and for tenderhearted introverts, it can be a little overwhelming. Many kids and adults prefer to socialize with one or two people and can often feel lonely in a crowd. We are all different, and yet everyone fears rejection on some level.
The fear needs to be normalized and your son needs to know that his friends are trying to fit in the best way they know how, too. Some just may be a little more adept than others.
All of us can benefit from watching a successful person's habits. We can actually learn to borrow behaviour from other people. How do they hold their bodies? What does their facial expression look like? What do they say? We can also borrow this behaviour from ourselves if we reflect on how we behave when we are comfortable and feeling confident.
Your position as a parent will be to listen to your son's feelings and his need to belong without judging, minimizing or feeling sorry for him. Once he knows you understand him, you can ask him if he wants a little help.
Helping without permission doesn't always go well and can come across as lecturing, moralizing and advice-giving.
Coaching him means you are asking him what works for him or others. When did he experience a success? What did that look like?
Everybody wants to belong and when you don't think you do, you feel hurt. We can think all kinds of things all the time that can be challenged. The problem is that we feel the feelings that go along with our thoughts and behave in a certain way as a result. How wonderful for children to learn that they can decide how to perceive life.
Allison Rees Parent Educator
Your son is still learning about social interaction and social cues. When two children are playing, and another joins them, the dynamic changes and the play becomes more difficult to navigate.
Similarly, when a playmate leaves to play elsewhere, if they're not socially tuned in, it may be thought to be a snub. As with all developmental milestones, these social nuances take time to learn and some children take longer than others.
- As a parent, you can provide good role modeling for him when the two of you play together. Speak about how it would be if another joined the play, or when you want to do something different, he has a choice about whether he wants to join you or play on his own.
- Limit his play with other children to short periods, gradually increasing the time as he can manage.
- Don't worry about his tears if he becomes upset at the interactions. Comfort him without trying to fix the situation for him. Later, when he is calm and settled and feeling close to you, speak with him about what was upsetting him about the play and how he might manage another time. If you try to fix things for him in the moment, he will not build resilience and learn to manage on his own.
- Solitary play is a wonderful thing for children. It allows them to explore the world around them and learn about themselves in the process. If he is happy on his own, I would not push social play. At six, children get more than enough time with other children at school.
Perhaps at the end of the day or on weekends, a break from other children is a better idea for your son than organizing an activity that requires him to be with his playmates.
Jean Bigelow Parent Educator
Next question:
My almost-five-year-old daughter likes to order me around. She talks to me like I'm the family dog. I ask her to speak to me more respectfully, but it doesn't seem to be sinking in. How can I teach her respect when it's such a difficult concept to explain? I think I model respect for her and her sister, but it doesn't appear to make any difference.
Do you have any advice for this parent? Are you struggling with a parenting dilemma? Send your input to [email protected]. Please put "the parent rap" in the subject line. Questions about kids from infants to teens welcome.
