We Canadians all know Anne of Green Gables, who (aside from Senator Mike Duffy) is the most famous fictional resident of Prince Edward Island. She’s red-haired, freckled and sometimes wears a funny hat. She is wholesome and sassy.
Well, the buxom gal on the new Anne of Green Gables book trilogy is blond and has pouting lips and a come-hither look that says, “Hey, you know that hayfield over there? Well, let’s go over to that hayfield and make hay. And by hay, I don’t mean hay, if you catch my drift.”
This image enrages Anne fans. On the Amazon.com website, the edition is criticized by readers such as K. Dawson, who points out: “Anne is not blond,” and Amy, who points out “This is supposed to be Anne of Green Gables, not Anne does Green Gables.”
Of more than 500 customer reviews, 391 rated the new Anne boxed set one star out of five. Except for folks like Elena M., who gave it five stars and wrote: “Welcome to the dark side, Anne!”
Well, I think the person who designed the new Anne cover is very clever and progressive. Consider this: The book industry is in trouble, right? These days, no one wants to read conventional books, which are heavy, all papery and sometimes smell funny. If one must read, one turns to the closest electronic device. To see if there’s a good cat video or something.
In my opinion, the only thing that can and will save the book industry is a very sexy approach, à la the Anne of Green Gables cover girl, who looks a bit like Pia Zadora circa 1974.
But it’s got to go further. Much further.
What’s been the big bestseller in recent years? Fifty Shades of Grey. It’s about a young woman called Anastasia Steele, who encounters a man with very singular erotic tastes. The entire series, also a trilogy, has sold more than 65 million copies.
Here’s my idea: You’ve got to go beyond the cover. A sexy cover for Anne of Green Gables? Very good. But how about actually changing the story so it’s a little more spicy and contemporary?
For instance, in the original book, Anne invites her young friend Diana for tea. But instead of raspberry cordial, she accidentally gives her raspberry wine. This causes a lot of embarrassment and hurt feelings.
Well, in the new version, how about if both Anne and Diana get drunk — but not on raspberry wine. Instead, they put away a half bottle of Jack Daniel’s. Then they check out a Kid Rock concert, where they talk their way backstage by displaying their navel piercings. And then some very sexy stuff follows involving vampires and iPhones.
And you know in Anne of Green Gables where Gilbert teases Anne about her red hair and calls her Carrots? And she doesn’t like it and smashes a slate over his head?
Well, how about if she summons a hidden posse of trained bodyguards who go absolutely kung-fu on Gilbert? Then they make up, and Anne says, “Hey Gilbert, you’re not so bad. I still have half a bottle of Jack Daniel’s.” And then some very sexy stuff follows, perhaps involving amazingly life-like holograms of Tupac and Beyoncé.
You see? A more modern approach. It could liven up all the literary classics, resulting in massive sales.
Moby Dick by Herman Melville: Captain Ahab sets out to destroy Moby Dick the whale. But when they finally meet, hey … love at first sight. Society initially condemns their forbidden love, then endorses it. Capt. Ahab spearheads a movement to legalize whale/man marriage in the U.S. Only Alabama and Wisconsin say no.
Gulliver’s Travels by Jonathan Swift: Gulliver is washed ashore, finds himself bound by tiny people called Lilliputians. While annoyed at first, Gulliver eventually decides he enjoys being tied up by tiny people. Grabs a female Lilliputian and takes her home. At parties, he pulls her out of his pocket and has her do sexy “Gangnam-style” dances. It’s not exploitation, though — she’s totally into it.
The Canterbury Tales by Geoffrey Chaucer: Basically, leave it the way it is.
This could work for classical music and opera, too. Who wants to listen to hip-hop Beethoven? Me and you, that’s who.
