Dear Ellie: I’m female, 28, single and looking for a future partner, but not 100 per cent ready to settle down.
But I was very interested when I heard on the radio a few weeks ago about a woman who sent her crush a text and he replied eight years later. That’s outrageous and so rude.
Ever since, my friends and I have been talking about the question: How long is an acceptable wait time to get a reply from your crush?
All the younger millennials I know (I’m one of them) said that since everyone has a smartphone, a reply should come within four hours’ time, maximum. But I think that’s too much pressure
Some others say three days’ wait time is the maximum. I say two days. If you don’t get a response by then, he’s not interested. What do you think?
Smart Phone Etiquette
It depends more on how you define a “crush” than on phone manners that differ with circumstances.
Example #1: You met a cute guy, exchanged phone numbers, then texted him later that same day. He should respond within a few hours — that’s what taking contact numbers is for, even if just to say he’s terribly busy at work but will be in touch in a couple of days. He may later ghost you because he actually already has a girlfriend, but since he responded, it’s less likely. You can feel good about yourself and future prospects for at least two days.
Example #2: You were sent to work out-of-town for a week at your company’s other location. You were paired with a good-looking supervisor who made your heart flutter just being near him. He flirted with you and you responded similarly.
You texted him while on the plane going back home. It took three weeks for him to text back that he’s married and to not contact him again.
He’s a player. You could’ve found out his marital status but didn’t try. He’s a mistake, not a “crush.” Stop texting.
If your “crush” is someone who’s free to date, and you both showed interest in each other, then in our world of instant contact, a response should come within a few hours, or an explanation of when he/she would be “free” to chat online.
But if a crush exists only as a fantasy in your mind, and you decide to boldly text him or her, there’s no time limit for a return text.
Responding at all would be kind, even if he/she just says “No thanks,” but that’s expecting a lot more than text culture usually provides.
Dear Ellie: I’m having a hard time understanding the difference between an “emotional affair” and a platonic friendship.
Confused
An emotional affair involves some level (often high) of sexual chemistry, even if it’s fantasized for a while and not yet consummated.
This is usually due to complicated circumstances, such as one or both of the people involved being already married or involved with someone else. Often, there’s secrecy involved that heightens the emotions.
If the connection is limited to online, an emotional affair may not actually lead to sex.
By contrast, a strictly platonic relationship is that of two people with no physical attraction on both sides. And they’re purely friends.
They may spend a great deal of time together, share a particular or many interests or hobbies. They may also exchange very personal information, but neither sexual intimacy nor sexual intentions are part of their relationship.
Reader’s Commentary
“My husband and I were two alpha personalities who liked having their own way. Our marriage should never have worked, but did.
“We could modify each other’s ideas and outlooks and shared many views, but when we disagreed, we had glorious rows, often ending in one or both of us sulking for days.
“When we made ourselves unhappy enough, we put the argument away in our mental cupboards and each of us locked the key. We never visited the ‘cupboards’ again, as they held toxic matter and our relationship was more important.
“I don’t suggest this solution for everyone, just to say that, if the will and love is there, a marriage can work.
“Years after his death, I’m trying to live in a world without my late husband. We didn’t know how else to live a life if not as a couple, supporting each other through thick and thin, laughter and tears.”
Ellie’s tip of the day
Got a “crush”? Text messaging should be mutual, without pressure to be instant, except when in emergencies.
Read Ellie Monday to Saturday.
Send relationship questions to [email protected]. Follow @ellieadvice.
