Dear Lisi: Help! I’m stuck in the role of caregiver and I’m only 26! My mom left me and my dad when I was just four years old, so it’s always been just the two of us. He was a great dad to me, and we spent all our time together. He had a relationship for 10 years, but unfortunately, that woman passed away, as did my dad’s brother. They had no other family.
Last year, my dad fell and hit his head. The trauma caused a brain bleed, and he hasn’t been the same since. He needs a live-in caregiver so he’s never alone, just in case. Thankfully, I have found an amazing job, on my career path, in the same city as my dad. I say thankfully, because if this had happened a few years ago, I was across the country at university.
We have enough funds for this, so that’s not the issue. But I am the one responsible for all the decisions and for taking him everywhere he needs to be.
I love my dad more than anything, I’m just not sure how this is going to play out.
Current Care
I’m so sorry for your dad and for the way this accident has changed your lives. If you have the funds, then the caregiver is very helpful. The daytime help allows you the opportunity to go to work, get ahead in your career, and make money. The nighttime help allows you to have a life and get your sleep. But yes, everything else falls on your shoulders and that’s a heavy burden, for anyone regardless of age.
I hope that you have been able to speak with your manager/supervisor and that they are sympathetic to your situation. I also hope that you have good friends you can rely on, and perhaps even someone whom you love and whom you can lean into.
Unfortunately, if being the sole caregiver becomes too burdensome for you, you may have to find him a spot in a facility that caters to people in his situation. Again, nothing is inexpensive, but you’ll have to figure out what is sustainable for you. Speak to a financial adviser and your father’s primary health care adviser. And perhaps talk to one of your friend’s parents whom you feel you can trust and will give you good advice in this area.
FEEDBACK Regarding the wedding ring post-divorce (Aug. 21):
Reader #1 — “Since she said there was ‘a painful custody battle,’ it could be given to the child. It would remain in the family and not cause further pain to the writer.”
Reader #2 — “I also wondered what to do with my ring after my divorce. I had my goldsmith cut it precisely through our initials engraved on the inside. He bent the halves slightly, then turned them into a pair of striking earrings.”
Lisi Tesher is an advice columnist based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions to [email protected].
