Dear Lisi: I have a great in-person connection with my great-aunt who lives abroad. We stay connected through WhatsApp and video calls when time zones permit.
For several years now, my great-aunt has fallen into some dark hole on the internet. I am the recipient of YouTube videos of the worst conspiracy theories. The content of these videos is so wrong and align with a particular world view that I do not share. I pushed back a few years ago to let her know that while I loved hearing from her, I did not want her to send these messages because they were affecting my mental health. For a while, this stopped.
But it’s started again: her sending me messages which are sourced from right wing conspiracy content producers. What pushed me over the edge was when she sent me something about Canada and how minority groups had too much influence. That did it. I wrote back with a note about our Charter of Rights and Freedoms and how democracy works. I emphasized how all of this was positive, especially since this means all people are protected.
I really don’t know what else I need to do or say without issuing a formal cease and desist.
Frustrated with the Misinformation
I empathize with you. I have a friend in the States who is also a TikTok follower and a conspiracy theorist. During the COVID-19 pandemic, he sent me daily videos about who and what was causing the virus, how Big Pharma planned it all, and how the vaccines would destroy you. I told him in no uncertain terms to stop sending them. He did and our friendship was back to normal for a while.
Now I get constant videos of every violent protest around the world. Again, I have had to ask him to stop. He hasn’t, so I blocked him.
My advice is to video call your great-aunt and emphasize how much you love her. Then tell her to please stop sending you the messages, and explain that if she doesn’t, you’ll block her for your own sense of peace and mental health.
Have you noticed any other changes in her behaviour, physical and/or mental health? My only concern is that hopefully there is someone close to her in proximity and caring who can and will make sure she is healthy while you two aren’t communicating.
And don’t worry. You’ll find your way back to her.
Dear Lisi: I met a woman through friends several years ago. We realized we had a lot in common, knew a lot of the same people, and had just never crossed paths before. We got close quickly as we both worked downtown and travelled to and from often together. And we would often meet for lunch.
We stayed close during the pandemic and have maintained our friendship post-COVID, though neither of us work the same schedule or the same jobs anymore.
Recently, however, I realized that every time we speak, she shares with me a secret – of hers, or someone close to her – and emphasizes strongly that I am not to tell a soul. I’m pretty good at keeping secrets, that’s not my issue. It’s that I don’t WANT to know all these things about her or her friends, especially because they don’t want me to know.
How do I tell her nicely?
Safe Secrets
I know that you know in your heart what you need to do…. it’s just hard to do it. And by asking my advice, I’m validating and giving you the strength, which I am more than happy to do.
You just need to say to her: please don’t tell me secrets anymore. I don’t feel comfortable knowing these things about your friends and family. Done.
FEEDBACK Regarding the sad friend (Feb. 13):
Reader – “You suggested asking the grieving person what they needed or wanted. Many grieving people are often unable to articulate needs or wants. My advice is to just do it - just bring dinner over, just bring flowers, drop in with coffee and cookies, offer to go for a walk, etc.”
Retired Pastor
FEEDBACK Regarding the evergreen romance (Feb. 20):
Reader – “I can say from experience that your advice was spot on. The letter writer runs the risk of permanently damaging a good relationship should the texts come to light. Trust once lost may be very difficult to recover.”
FEEDBACK Regarding the lonely lady (Feb. 21):
Reader – “Welcome to adulthood. Some (MANY) things just don’t go as expected. But unless you try you will never know.
“Take what you’re now learning about yourself and use it going forward. In the future, get a roommate.”
Lisi Tesher is an advice columnist based in Toronto. Send your questions to [email protected]
