Dear Lisi: I’m a 23-year-old girl with a boyfriend I’ve been with since halfway through third year university. We both graduated and have moved home to save money while we both start our careers. I got a job with an amazing company that started in September. My boyfriend found a job with a company that he’s excited to work for, but it doesn’t start until January.
In the meantime, I’ve suggested that he pick up odd jobs to make some extra money while he can. UberEATS, tutoring, coaching, dog-walking, basic handyman stuff, like leaf clearing and seasonal gardening, even community work has all been suggested to him. I also proposed that he travel for a bit because once he starts his job, it’ll be hard work and long hours.
Unfortunately, he’s doing absolutely nothing. He sleeps until noon, makes a long and involved brunch for himself, then takes his time cleaning the kitchen, and by then it’s close to 2 p.m. By the time he showers and dresses, the day is done. I’m getting very frustrated with him, as are his parents.
What do you think is going on?
Boyfriend Blues
I think your boyfriend is in a rut and leaning toward depression. He’s lucky that you’ve recognized that he has an issue this early on, because, I hope, between you and his parents, he can get some help.
I suggest he finds someone to talk to — other than you and his parents. I can only imagine that he’s worried about his future, while at the same time, bored and lonely, assuming that all his friends are also out in the workforce already.
Your suggestions are great, but they’re not resonating with him. He needs to figure it out for himself, and he needs to find the motivation from within. Talking it out with someone outside of his family and social circle can give him some insight and perspective. Good luck!
Dear Lisi: My brother lives abroad, is still single in his mid-30s and makes lots of money. I’m not sure that what he does is legal, but he’s happy, healthy and living large. We talk at least weekly, but we don’t have a lot in common.
Our parents visit him at least twice a year, and he comes home at least twice a year. We are very connected as a family.
Our parents are flying over for two weeks. They stay in a hotel nearby, which is nice but not extravagant. We just found out that the hotel has closed for renovation. It’s holiday time over there and all the hotels are booked. I suggested my parents stay with my brother — he has plenty of space — and he balked.
Our sister is trying to figure out what the problem is because our parents are so shocked by his definitive NO that they’re contemplating cancelling the trip. Normally I wouldn’t care but we have several surprises planned for them to celebrate a milestone anniversary.
What’s going on?
Confused Sib
Your brother is hiding something, which could be anything from a live-in relationship to an illegal side hustle to his own lifestyle that he doesn’t want exposed.
I suggest you start off by telling him that whatever secrets he wants kept are none of your business and that no one is trying to impose or cramp his style. BUT he needs to figure out a way to host your parents (can he investigate an Airbnb close by? Can he move in with a friend and give them his place?) because you have all these other things planned.
As you mentioned, he can afford to help them out, so he should be doing whatever he can.
FEEDBACK Regarding the multi-partnered man (Aug. 12):
Reader — “I saw this in the paper and was shocked: ‘I’ve been with my man for eight months. We were at lunch when a woman walked in with two kids. One ran over and yelled ‘Daddy!’
“It’s no more appropriate for a woman to refer to her partner as ‘her man’ than it is for a man to refer to his partner as ‘his woman,’ which clearly, given today’s society would not be acceptable.
“Rules must be applied consistently or else they shouldn’t be a rule. It weakens the argument when there’s a clear dichotomy.”
Lisi — THAT’S what you’ve focused on?!? This man was married to one woman, had children with another woman, and was in a relationship with yet a third woman — that we know about! I would’ve called him something much worse!
(But FYI, that was the headline, not what I wrote in my column.)
Lisi Tesher is an advice columnist based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions to [email protected].
