Dear Lisi: I’m in a group chat with seven people, two of whom I don’t know. We’re a subcommittee to a larger group working on a project with several of our offices across the country. Of those I know, one is a co-worker in my office; one, a friend in Montreal; another an acquaintance (and the cousin of a good friend) in Vancouver; and the fourth, someone I’ve worked with before, but don’t know well. The other two I’ve never met.
One is also in Vancouver, which is a three-hour time difference from the rest of us. We try to be respectful of that and we don’t schedule early morning meetings unless necessary. We also hope that they don’t request late afternoon meetings for the same reason.
Recently, the one in Vancouver created a new chat and left me off. At first, the other women didn’t notice so no one said anything. But then the other Vancouverite, the cousin, asked my opinion. When I didn’t respond, she realized it was a new chat.
We have since gone back to the original chat, and I was filled in on what I missed, but now that woman ignores any of my comments. I don’t know this woman at all, so have no idea why she’s chosen to dislike me, but she’s disrupting our work group.
What should I do?
Long distance dissed
Large group chats often yield some form of miscommunication between two parties (or more). It’s hard to “read the room” in those chats because everyone is talking at once, and you don’t always have everyone’s contacts, so you don’t know who said what, etc.
Since this is work-related, I would show the new chat and the thread of the old chat to your direct supervisor — just so you know that someone else has seen the communication. And then move forward.
However, if her complete disregard for your texts is hindering your work, then you may have to discuss that with your supervisor and see how change can be implemented. They may suggest you have a private call to see if you can clear the air on your own. They may move one or both of you to other committees.
Dear Lisi: My daughter and her boyfriend are taking a month off around the winter break and going on an extended vacation. They have both been yearning to visit Southeast Asia, and now seems as good a time as any. I really like her boyfriend; they’ve been together for almost a year.
But they’re young and neither have ever travelled without a parent or other adult. They want to have an adventure and not pre-plan every stop, every hostel, every tourist attraction, which I completely understand. Fortunately, they’re both amenable to looking at the map, planning a route, talking about all the things they want to see, how much time they have and their budget.
I feel confident that they will manage together, but as a mom, I still worry. I reached out to the boyfriend’s parents to see if they wanted to have a planning dinner with the kids. I received a definitive NO.
Now I’m nervous. How do I navigate this?
Travelling Kids
Talk to your daughter. Make sure she feels comfortable with the plan. Make sure she knows that at any point, she can pull the plug and come home (yes, that could be pricey, but it’s important she has that security). And with technology, you can (and I’m sure you will) be in constant contact. A daily check-in, by WhatsApp or Instagram message (both free), and a quick FaceTime every few days will give you peace of mind.
Different parents parent differently. Do what feels right for you (and your child).
FEEDBACK Regarding the woman lost in grief (July 10; Aug. 20):
Reader — “Right after my husband’s death in 2021, a close friend sent me an image of Growing Around Grief by Dr. Lois Tonkin, a writer, counsellor and educator about loss and grief. The explanation of the Growing Around Grief theory helped me immensely to recover.”
Lisi — Thank you for sending this link. The image of the jars speaks to me. I hope this is helpful for anyone suffering.
FEEDBACK Regarding the husband wishing to return to his “home country” (Aug. 21):
Reader — “When many Europeans came to Canada in the ‘50s and ‘60s, often the husbands came first, bringing their families over once they were settled. Perhaps that would work in this case. Perhaps once he’s back, things may not work out the way he wants and then he returns to Canada, this would save his family from the upheaval of leaving only to return.”
Lisi Tesher is an advice columnist based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions to [email protected].
