Dear Lisi: Is it true that what people say while intoxicated is based in honesty?
My girlfriend and I were at a party with 20 people celebrating my sister’s boyfriend’s birthday. Everyone was drinking and having a good laugh. My girlfriend was more drunk than I’ve seen her ever before. She ended up in a close tete-a-tete with my sister, during which time she repeated several times that though she loved my sister, she actually didn’t like her most of the time.
Now my sister wants nothing to do with my girlfriend! She’s apologized to my sister, but the words are still out there. I now find myself in between the two women I love and care about the most since my mom died.
What do I do?
Middle Man
You have to decide how important your relationship is with your girlfriend. If she’s not someone you see yourself settling down with (maybe you’re too young, or just not in that phase of your life – you didn’t mention), I suggest walking away from the relationship now.
Your sister is where your loyalty lies.
My answer would be different if the woman in question was someone with whom you see a future. If that were the case, there would be work to do. The first being a conversation to find out how she really feels while sober.
Dear Lisi: I have a brother who is older than me, and he used to be really nice and caring. Now he has made it a habit to lie to my parents, and he asks me to cover for him. For example, if he wants to play video games with his friends, and our parents are out, he tells me to lie to them and say that he was watching a movie with me.
I do not want to be in that position since I hate lying to my parents, but I don’t want him to make me regret it. I feel like he is pressuring me into something I don’t want to do. And yet, I can’t find a way to tell him to stop lying, and to stop making me lie for him.
Do you have any advice?
Sad Sibling
Yes, my advice is to stop lying on his behalf. Tell your brother that you have his back and won’t give up information, but that you won’t lie to your parents (or anyone else for that matter) to cover his ass. It’s a teachable moment for your brother. You can show him that by being honest, mature and responsible, he can do what he wants without going behind your parents back.
For example, the next time your parents go out, he can say, “I know you don’t want me to play video games all night, but could I play with my friends for half an hour and then watch a movie with my little brother?” He needs to learn how to speak up for what he wants, and compromise.
Reader’s Commentary Regarding dating the cigarette smoking man (Nov. 15; Jan. 8):
“Hopefully none of these women writing in to bash the cigarette smoking man have the slightest thing wrong with them (hint: they most certainly do if they are writing in to bash strangers).
“The most critical people are often those who could benefit the most from some criticism themselves.”
FEEDBACK Regarding the language prude (Jan. 10):
Reader – “May I suggest a note be placed at the workstation of the person who swears a lot, with the quote by Spencer Kimball, ‘Profanity is the effort of a feeble brain to express itself forcibly.’
“This might cause a few second thoughts, and who knows, maybe a bit of ‘pre-utterance’ consideration.”
FEEDBACK Regarding the embarrassed wife of the man who drinks too much (Jan. 10):
Reader – “In the past, my husband would occasionally drink enough that he wouldn’t know when to stop, and then would start getting mad at me for no clear reason.
“It finally came to a head when we bought a security camera that captured the three exits to our house. It showed him at 3 a.m. walking around mumbling angrily about nothing and starting an argument with me over nothing. I showed it to him, and we had a good chat about how he had taken the fun out of going out because I didn’t know whether he would drink too much (it wasn’t every time). He had never really known how badly he behaved before that as he couldn’t really remember.
“After that video, he watches his intake of beers. It has made my life so much easier.”
Lisi Tesher is an advice columnist for the Star and based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions via email to [email protected]
