Dear Lisi: My brother and his girlfriend are ready to take their relationship to the next level. Her family comes from a culture rife with tradition, mostly unfamiliar to our family. But, of course, we’re happy to indulge and learn. Apparently, when a couple decides they want to get engaged, there is a large and formal meeting of the families. Certain foods are to be served, presents exchanged, and issues discussed. Every member of the immediate families must be present.
Here’s where we run into issues. My sister (we’re four siblings) is out of the country and cannot return on the date set for this event. And some of the foods required are out of our comfort zone entirely.
Our parents are bending over backwards, cleaning up the backyard, setting up tables and renting a tent in case of inclement weather. My parents are both cooking, and my other sibling and I are doing whatever we can to help.
We’re worried that we’ll fail even before any conversation ensues due to my sister’s absence and the omission of that food we can’t offer. I don’t want to jeopardize my brother’s relationship, but this is overwhelming and a LOT!
Sib’s success
You are a caring sibling and that matters. Your sister’s absence is what it is. If your brother’s soon-to-be in-laws hold that against him, there’s nothing anyone can do. I find that a bit extreme, but they must have their reasons.
As for the food, you are two cultures coming together for the sake of two young people in love, hoping to meld those cultures into one family unit. Not easy, but the only way to do it successfully is through compromise. If your brother’s girlfriend’s parents are too rigid, it may cause friction amongst the families and hinder the relationship from going further.
Your family is trying hard to accommodate theirs as best possible. That should be good enough. Be yourselves and hope for the best.
Dear Lisi: My brother is eight years older than me, and we have nothing in common anymore. I guess we never really did, but at different times it felt like we were closer. He doesn’t live at home with me and our dad; our mom passed away a few years ago. We rarely see him and it hurts our dad that he doesn’t respond to his calls.
So, I reached out to him on my own by text and left a few messages. He didn’t respond so I went to his apartment. A woman answered and wouldn’t let me in, but I saw my brother lying on the couch. The whole apartment smelled of cigarettes and weed.
I think my brother is a drug addict. What do I do? I haven’t told my dad.
Scared Brother
You need to tell your dad. I can’t get a handle on your ages, but it doesn’t matter. Your brother sounds as though he needs help, and fast.
Dear Lisi: I dated a guy for a hot minute back in the spring. We went our separate ways over the summer but are now at the same university. Apparently, he’s told everyone that we are together and that he can’t wait to see me. I don’t know what he’s talking about and now I don’t even want to see him.
Why would he make up a story that’s going to backfire?
NOT together
Insecurity. That’s why. I’d pre-empt the inevitable and go talk to him. But bring a friend so you’re not alone. His ego will be very hurt, and you don’t know him well enough to know how he’ll react. Be kind but firm. If you don’t like him, you don’t like him.
FEEDBACK Regarding the person suffering from Morning Madness (July 25):
Reader 1 – “As a nutritionist, I’m guessing that they have an inflammatory reaction to dairy. No doctor or anyone from the allopathic field will tell them this. They’ll just put them on meds.
Tell them to try going off all dairy products for a month and see how they feel. Most blood types aren’t supposed to be consuming dairy products and so this will show up as congestion.”
Reader 2 – “He might want to try out a saline nasal rinse — NeilMed is a very cheap over-the-counter version - while he’s waiting for that doctor’s appointment.”
Reader 3 – “This guy needs to see a medical doctor. Why would he ask a relationship advice columnist for help? You can’t diagnose him through email, even if you had the expertise.”
Lisi – True. But he’s getting good ideas from other readers like those above.
Lisi Tesher is an advice columnist based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions to [email protected].
