Dear Lisi: I went on a date last night for the first time in six months. We found each other on a dating app and started chatting. We’re similar in age (early 50s), both divorced for more than three years, both with teenage children. Her photos showed an active, attractive woman who looked natural and wholesome.
We met at a restaurant, and I was surprised. She was wearing a very sexy, revealing dress and had clearly just had some work done on her face. Her lips looked as though they would explode on impact (as did her breasts, but they didn’t look new), and her forehead was so smooth and tight, I couldn’t read her expression at all.
She was easy enough to talk to and we laughed, but I knew almost immediately she wasn’t my person. Still, it was nice to get out of the house and have adult interaction with someone not involved with my children (teachers, coaches, friends’ parents, etc.).
To my surprise, as dinner started to wind down, she came on to me fairly aggressively in the restaurant. I managed to dial it down, but as soon as we were alone outside, she pushed herself up against me and forcefully kissed me. I literally had to disentangle myself.
I feigned gastro discomfort – always a quick turnoff – and got her into an Uber.
What the heck was that all about?
Sex starved
Great description, of both your date and your situation. You’re right – she’s not your person. But as you thought, you could have still enjoyed the date. She obviously had other things on her mind.
Glean the positives: you should feel pumped that someone found you so attractive, they were all over you. That’s confidence boosting.
I’d also take this opportunity to revise your online profile. Does it mention anywhere that you’re looking for hot sex on the first date? If so, and you’re not, maybe edit that. Otherwise, update your profile anyway.
Lastly, don’t give up – on the dating scene, or yourself.
Dear Lisi: I started dating a guy just as COVID was becoming less scary and the world was returning to “normal.” We both worked from home and lived close enough that we could meet for lunch, or a walk. As we became closer and more intimate, we would surprise each other occasionally with a midday sexual encounter. It was so much fun!
Our relationship got more serious, and we moved in together, both of us still working from home. There was obviously an adjustment period, but we’re settled into our routine. However, I’m finding that both of us are less interested in sex.
My concern is that we’re still young and not even married. If this is happening now, I can’t imagine the future. What do you think?
Sexless Situation
I think you’ve hit a rut. Working from home has many advantages, however, there are disadvantages as well. For example, working from home means you can stay in your pyjamas all day (from the waist down). That’s not usually a turn on. Personally, I prefer my date to be freshly showered and in clean clothes. That’s more enticing to rip them off.
According to research, work from home is less stressful — probably a combination of travelling to and from work, which could include the stresses of public transportation, parking, or the cost of an Uber — therefore there’s less need for stress relief, which sex is known to bring.
So, my suggestion is for both of you to get out of the house. Change your routine. Go back to the office. Get dressed and bring some excitement back into your daily routine. Just being apart could spark an excitement of seeing each other later, which in turn could lead to more sexual activity.
FEEDBACK Regarding the guy with the unreciprocated crush (Aug. 9):
Reader – “In a recent letter, the writer states that they spent the night with a female friend while she was drunk, however, there is no mention of if they were inebriated at the time.
“Drunk people cannot consent to sex. If the letter-writer was sober while their female friend was drunk, they raped her.”
Lisi – There are a lot of “ifs” in your statement. The letter writer never said they had sex, though he alluded to it. But they could have kissed and spent the night fooling around without intercourse.
IF the girl in question felt that she had been raped, then I would have focused on that aspect. But this guy is wondering how to be friends with a girl he’s liked and been friends with for years. I’m going to lean toward the innocence of it all.
Lisi Tesher is an advice columnist for the Star based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions via email: [email protected].
