Dear Lisi: I’m friends with a group of women and have been for 15 years. We met doing something we all love to do and have kept at it all this time. We have a lot in common aside from this activity, so we go out often for a meal, or to concerts, or just to socialize at each other’s homes.
Recently an issue came up amongst a few of the women’s teenage daughters. Two of them believe one side of the issue; me and another woman totally disagree; and two other women don’t care either way. At first, I thought perhaps it was a gender-based issue as I only have boys. But then I realized that one of the women who feels strongly opposed to me has both boys and girls, and the other one has two non-binary children, both of whom were born male.
In any case, we are at loggerheads and I’m afraid our friendship circle isn’t going to recover from this issue. What can I do to help us maintain our friendship and agree to disagree?
Different strokes
You are all parents and adults. Unless the issue strikes a serious chord with your core morals and values, don’t let it break your friend group apart. You don’t all have to agree on everything to maintain your friendship. I’m sure some of you have dietary differences, fashion differences, different tastes in music or movies or books.
If you need to be the glue for a while, find neutral ground. Invite everyone to a lighthearted movie you can all enjoy. Or get together for the activity you all partake in. That’s your common ground, your initial attraction, your bond.
Time will pass and this issue will fade. Friendships, especially as people get older, become harder to make. Stoke the flames of the ones you have — especially after almost two decades.
Reader’s Commentary Regarding the guy who keeps breaking bones (June 19):
“In my experience, this is a normal, if unlucky, set of occurrences for a reasonably active adult in the back half of their 30s. Yes, bone density (and, if there is a bone density issue, eating disorders or smoking) may be worth investigating, but I’m no doctor.
“I’ve been active my whole life in the same sorts of recreational (and not elite) sports. I have ruptured my Achilles tendon (tennis), strained my MCL, torn my PCL, separated my shoulder (all hockey), broken my arm (mountain biking), lost lots of skin (generally involving self-propelled wheels and asphalt) and have struggled with tendinitis in my knees (both the IT band and the patellar tendon — running). My wife (a better athlete than me!) has torn and reconstructed both ACLs playing soccer (two separate incidents).
“When I ruptured my Achilles, the orthopedic surgeon’s advice for avoiding future injuries was the same sort of nonchalance as this man’s wife: you could become a couch potato. The point is injuries are inevitable if you are active.
“Basketball is a contact sport; downhill skiing is high speed, and the trees don’t jump out of the way; tripping on roots is just bad luck.
“He may, as I have, need to re-evaluate his risk tolerance as he both gets older and as a new father. Injuries now affect more than just him; they stop him from being a dad too, which normally means mom needs to ‘mom’ more. So maybe dad needs to dial it back to 80 per cent instead of 100 per cent, which can be a tough adjustment.”
FEEDBACK Regarding the friend who falls asleep often (June 26):
Reader #1 - “Say goodbye to any lasting friendship. Personally, I would refuse to EVER get in this person’s car. If he or his son asks, then you can say why. The letter writer’s health and safety must be their own priority.”
Reader #2 – “The symptoms described by Scared Friend are consistent with a condition called narcolepsy. It’s quite serious. There is no cure, but there are treatments that will mitigate the effects. Without treatment, this person could die in any number of scenarios.”
Reader #3 – “The symptoms described could be narcolepsy, not sleep apnoea. Regardless of the condition they have, by sleeping at the wheel this driver is a danger to the public and should immediately be reported to the police.”
Reader #4 – “NEVER get in a car while this person is driving. But you can still be friends.”
Lisi Tesher is an advice columnist based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions to [email protected].
