Dear Lisi: My husband has no idea that I have one foot out the door. I put on a great show. We go about our daily routine, and I feel like a robot on autopilot. I get up, get dressed, make myself a lunch and leave for work all before 8 a.m. At the end of the workday, I go to the gym, out for dinner with friends, or home to have dinner with him. He literally thinks everything is fabulous.
I go to bed early and pretend to be asleep when he crawls in after 11 p.m. If he reaches over in hopes of any intimacy, I snort and roll over, pretending to be in a deep sleep.
But I can’t go on any longer. I want to leave him. What do I do?
Over Acting
At no point have you mentioned talking to your husband about how you are feeling. I strongly suggest you start there. You think he doesn’t know that you’re putting on a good show. But is he putting on a show for you?
The two of you are wasting your own lives and each other’s time. If you can’t have a conversation alone, get to a therapist/marriage counsellor as soon as possible. If you want out, tell that to the counsellor in front of your husband. He may say the same thing. But he deserves to know how you’re feeling and why you’re done.
Dear Lisi: I have made a plan to see my family over the Thanksgiving weekend. I live in Vancouver but go to school in Ontario. I have cousins and an aunt and uncle 90 minutes away who have invited me to join them for the holiday. I’m staying with them one night but then we are going to a hotel for two nights. They had to book an extra room to accommodate me, which they have refused to accept any money for.
They’ve also booked an adventure for us (apparently, it’s a surprise) and a fancy restaurant. All paid for by them, though I offered to pitch in. I have just found out that the person who originally offered to drive me has told his girlfriend that she could boot me out of the car if she wants to give one of her friends a lift.
I really need to get to my aunt and uncle’s house by a certain time and won’t be able to with public transportation. I don’t know if the girlfriend is going to boot me or not, and I’m not supposed to know.
What do I do?
Caught in a trap
I would start by approaching the girlfriend, since she seems to be the one calling the shots here and thank her profusely for the lift. Explain that you wouldn’t otherwise be able to get there and that you appreciate her and her boyfriend so much. Offer to pay for half the gas (even if you’re only a third of the occupancy), and to buy them lunch on the way.
Showing your appreciation will endear you to her and hopefully she won’t boot you out of the car. Also, confirm the departure time with her so you can tell your family where and when to pick you up.
If you’re still worried that they may not drive you, look around for another lift, and/or purchase a refundable bus/train ticket just in case. The timing may not be perfect, you may have to miss a class, or arrive later than you hoped, but at least you’ll get there.
Reader’s Commentary Response to the feedback about the girl missing out on fun (July 3; Aug. 16):
“To the reader who argues that ‘friends don’t pay the rent, steady income does’ — those people won’t be her friends anymore, and she likely will have a hard time making new friends outside of work. I know because I was one such person in their 20s, and as people were getting invited to parties, weddings and being asked to take part in special times like bridal parties, I was either not invited or relegated to a far table.
“There’s something to be said to finding that elusive balance between work and life — you can focus on your career, but it shouldn’t be to the exclusion of friends, and vice-versa. Otherwise, you may find that you have your career and no one to share your successes with except the obligatory lunchroom birthday cake.”
Lisi Tesher is an advice columnist based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions to [email protected].
