Dear Lisi: I know it’s the new fashion trend, but I can’t stand it when my teenage daughter goes out of the house with the top button of her jeans undone and folded open. To me, it screams suggestive. To her, it says, I’m cool, hip and part of the gang.
Both my wife and I have tried to explain why we don’t like it, but we don’t want to scare our daughter, making her think the world is full of people waiting to do bad things. How do we reconcile trying to keep our daughter safe with her feeling part of the “in” crowd fashionwise?
Caught with our pants down
It’s really important to talk to your daughter about appropriate clothing choices for any occasion, without including any body-shaming or fear-mongering. For example, I’ll assume she knows not to wear a bikini top to school.
At the same time, you don’t want to push too hard by insisting your daughter adhere to your clothing styles because you don’t want her to distance from you, by lying and/or sneaking around.
There’s no right or wrong here. You can feel however you want. If your daughter was eight years old, you might have more control. As she’s a teenager, you probably have less. Your job as a parent is to protect your daughter to the best of your ability and teach her how to protect herself.
Remember, too, it’s a fashion phase and trends come and go. So, be honest with her about why you feel the way you do, and then let her make her own decisions.
Dear Lisi: While driving down the street the other day in the hot summer sun, I noticed a young couple waiting to cross the road. It was a busy interaction with a long light, and they arrived just as the light changed to red. The young man took off his baseball cap and held it over his girlfriend’s face to block the hot rays of the sun.
I can’t say for sure, but it looked as though he did this of his own accord, not through a request by her. I was duly impressed. No one has ever done that for me. As a mother, I have done something similar for my children, but only until they were preteens. Perhaps it was cultural, as this couple were a different culture than my own. My question is, how do I teach my children to be that thoughtful and caring of the people they love?
Love Language
What a lovely gesture that young man did. Your question is thoughtful, and I would say the best way to teach children is through example. I also believe that it’s never too late to teach our children anything as we are always learning ourselves.
Tell your children what you saw and let them see how it made you feel. That will impress upon them the importance of what you’re sharing.
FEEDBACK Regarding messy Molly (June 14):
Reader — “Assuming that the mother hasn’t had a recent rebirth in her desire for an orderly home, mom should remind this immature and self-centred university graduate that ‘everything in its place’ is necessary for mom’s peace of mind.
“Reminding messy Molly a few (or 100) times is putting the onus on mom and not where it belongs. Mom may have tolerated this behaviour when Molly was a teenager; this is a good reminder to ‘start the way you mean to finish’. That applies to the rearing of children and entering marriage.”
FEEDBACK Regarding the employee who feels tossed aside (June 12):
Reader — “While I agree with your recommended approach to the employee who is upset about their schedule, I don’t agree with your suggestion to ‘bring a friend or family member for support.’
“As a former HR Manager, I have never seen or heard of an employee bringing their friend or relative into a work meeting to discuss a purely work-related issue. A workplace is a professional environment, not a victim support agency. Any self-respecting employee trying to resolve a scheduling complaint should do it in an unemotional, self-confident manner. Bring in a union steward? Yes. Your mother? Definitely not the place.”
Lisi — You are correct. I did want her to bring in some support because she sounded elderly, ready to retire, and tired, both physically and emotionally. I thought she could bring in a younger relative or friend to advocate on her behalf. I certainly didn’t mean her mother.
Lisi Tesher is an advice columnis based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions to [email protected].
