Dear Lisi: I love my boyfriend, but he’s not a great lover. Our sex life is good in quantity, but bad in quality. I find it awkward to talk about when we’re just having lunch or going for a walk, so I don’t bring it up.
And I’m afraid to say something during in case it affects his performance in the moment. But I could practically be knitting while he gets down to business!
How can I change this sexual dynamic before I run for the hills?
Bored in Bed
I’m sorry, but you are going to have to talk to your man. As awkward as it may feel, it’ll be better than just walking away. Maybe he thinks it’s what you like; maybe he doesn’t know any other way; maybe he’s scared to try something new. TALK about it!
But I suggest you talk about it somewhere where you can put your words into actions. So, why don’t you suggest taking a bath together? Pour a glass of your favourite bathtime beverage, put on some tunes, light some candles, set the mood. Then start talking.
Hopefully, something great will come out of this. But if not, then he may not be the longtime partner for you. Sex, like religion, parenting, education, financial issues can all be deal-breakers in a relationship.
Dear Lisi: I’m married to a therapist, and though I love his soft-spoken, calm demeanour, I don’t love that I feel he’s always assessing me. For example, one day when our son was a newborn, I was exhausted. I hadn’t slept in several days as the baby was having trouble latching. Lack of sleep and stress over the baby’s frustration inhibits the milk flow… which exacerbates the problem. I know all of this; we have two other children. But instead of helping me get some much-needed rest – by being more hands on with the older two, perhaps taking the baby for a walk – he kept telling me that I was making things worse by being stressed.
We got through those years, but I now find him analyzing and assessing the children, and still me, and not allowing us to exist in our moment. In my opinion, it’s OK to feel all the feels. It’s learning how to cope that’s more important.
How can I get my husband to stop therapizing us and just be a husband and a dad?
Therapy thrust
I’m guessing you’ve had this conversation with your husband several times and he’s just not listening or understanding what you’re asking for. If you haven’t spoken to him, start there. If you have, try one more time.
Here’s a lighthearted way of trying to get through to him – next time he starts telling you how he feels about something, pull out the pen and paper and pretend to take notes and analyze him. He’ll wonder what you’re doing and then you can say, “this is what I’ve been feeling you do to me.”
Hopefully you two can laugh about it and continue your loving marriage.
Dear Lisi: I work with a woman who thinks ChatGPT is the answer to everything. And I mean everything! She uses it the same way other people use Google, or even Google maps. Yesterday, she asked the AI how to get to a restaurant three blocks from the office.
That’s not my business but whenever we work together, she asks the AI. I want to do my work based on my own intellectual merit, not that of a generated computer.
What do I do?
NOT AI
Talk to your supervisor/manager and ask to get switched to a different team, if that’s possible. Explain your reasons, but not in a negative way. It’s more about how YOU want to work, than how she is working.
FEEDBACK Regarding the boyfriend who talks over people (May 31):
Reader – “My father and older brother did that constantly. It’s possible the boyfriend has ADHD or is on the autism spectrum, with the verbosity or tendency to talk over others without noting the social cues: waiting his turn. Lack of attentiveness to what others are saying, interrupting a conversation to add their story, without waiting for an opening or invitation to share, is another frustrating ADHD sign. My father had narcissistic tendencies, preferring the spotlight to be on him when he entered a room.
“A pattern develops that the interrupter uses which turns a conversation into a monologue. I used to do this and am working on my active listening skills with help from my husband. It’s rude and disrespectful to believe what I have to say is more important than the person who is presently speaking.”
Lisi Tesher is an advice columnist for the Star based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions via email: [email protected].
