Dear Lisi: I met a woman about six years ago and we were very serious for several years. Unfortunately, she got pregnant just as we had decided to break up. We went to counselling, took a short break, and then got back together.
Our biggest mistake was moving in together right away, but we thought it was the right thing to do for the baby. We didn’t last. Our apartment has three bedrooms, so I moved into what we had been using as the office, and we played at being a family.
Recently, I met a woman I really like. We have only had two short coffee dates in the middle of our workday. I don’t know much about her and vice versa. Obviously, I want to tell her about my child, but now I don’t know when, or how. It wasn’t appropriate the first few conversations, nor did it come up in conversation, but the longer I wait, the more awkward it becomes, I feel.
I’m also not sure what to say about our living situation. How do I bring that up in conversation? Help!
Dating Dad
About your child, just be as honest as you are with me. On your next date, tell her you have something to share that’s very important to you. She’ll either run for the hills, or it will endear you to her even more. If she asks why you haven’t told her yet, be honest – it hadn’t come up and you’ve only had two dates.
The bigger issue is your living situation. However, if living together is working for the three of you, from a “family” standpoint and financially, then there’s no rush to change it. At some point, you or your ex will want more privacy, with a significant other, in the hopes of moving on to a future relationship. At that point, you can move out. You’ll know when the time is right.
My wife has a needy teenage daughter. It’s a second marriage for us both, and we both have two children. Mine are older, in their 20s. One of hers is also off at university, but the younger one, the only one who lives with us half the time, is very clingy.
I try to give them their space to do their mommy-daughter thing. I don’t think she enjoys being at her father’s house that much, as she always seems to crumple upon arrival at our home. There are tears and my wife usually spends the first night in her bed.
I’m not a touchy-feely kind of guy, and with two grown sons, I’m becoming even less so. I get the strong impression that my stepdaughter wants me out of the way so she can have her mom all to herself. If I’m honest, I’ll admit that sometimes I act even colder than necessary. Truthfully, I just find her stay with us so disruptive to our calm, adult-only lifestyle.
Not surprising, my wife is feeling pulled in two directions. What should we do?
Stepparenting
Your honesty shows some self-awareness; however, you’re still acting like a petulant child when your stepdaughter comes around. Ironically, you’re doing exactly what she’s doing by wanting your wife all to yourself.
In my opinion, you need to grow up. This child is only with you 50 per cent of the time, which means she only gets her mom 50 per cent of the time. Whereas you are with your wife 100 per cent of the time.
Show them both some love by being warmer and fuzzier to your stepdaughter, and by being generous, allowing your wife to feel she has your support when she focuses on her daughter.
FEEDBACK Regarding the teenager with the crush (Aug. 6):
Reader – “Maybe she could find out what subject he’s good at and ask him to help her with her school work. He’s a year older, so that would be plausible.
“Or she could invite him to something that she doesn’t want to attend alone, but not making it awkward and a date. Just ask him to be her plus one.”
FEEDBACK Regarding underarm hair (June 26; Aug. 6):
Reader – “Yes, underarm hair is natural and normal. So are copulation and defecation, but in our culture, we keep them private. And we are as entitled as any other society to have our own cultural norms and to be offended by behaviour that transgresses them. If everything is tolerated, after all, you eventually don’t have a society.
“So, keep the thongs and unshaven armpits on the beach and out of the office. It’s not a big ask.”
Lisi Tesher is an advice columnist based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions to [email protected].
