Dear Lisi: I’ve been helping my daughter and son-in-law care for their five children for 13 years. For the past eight years, I’ve stayed at their house two days, and nights, weekly, to help with the twins. I get very little interaction from my daughter, which makes me feel more like a nanny than a family member. I love the children so much, and the twins show their love for me, but it breaks my heart that my daughter doesn’t.
How can I change our relationship to a more loving, family member than an in-house worker?
Sad Gramma
I wish you had written me within the first few months of feeling the way you do. After 13 years, it’ll probably come as a shock to your daughter that you’re feeling this way. In fact, she may be wondering why YOU have chosen to be so cold with HER all these years.
The only thing you can do is talk to her and see how she feels. Why don’t you take her out for a holiday meal, just the two of you. Do it when most, if not all, of the kids are in school, or get them playdates, and get their dad to look after the others.
Spend quality time together as mother and daughter. Ask her about her life, her job, how she feels being a wife, a mom to five. Tell her how much you enjoy being a part of their family, and how you’ve loved helping with the twins. Ask her if there’s anything she would like you to do differently, more or less of, how else you can help. Tell her how proud you are of her and what a great mom she is, and how much you adore your grandchildren.
Once the doors of communication are open, you can then discuss your feelings. Be honest and open with your daughter.
Dear Lisi: I’m a 16-year-old girl, still in high school, living at home with my parents. My older siblings have all gone away to university but come home regularly. I have a great relationship with both my mom and dad, who both work full-time. They often help me get to school, if their schedules allow and I don’t have a lift with friends. And we mostly eat dinner together at night, if my mom remembers to cook.
My problem is that my mom isn’t like my friends’ moms; she’s kind of lost in her own world. She doesn’t put herself together and always looks like she rolled down a hill while walking the dog. Plus, she doesn’t remember to take the dog to the vet or the groomer, and he starts to smell. And because she walks him every day, she starts to smell like him. He’s too big for me to wash on my own, and I’m too young to have my licence, so I can’t help.
I’m embarrassed that when my mom drives me to school, sometimes I smell like the dog! It’s gross! I’ve told my dad, so he tries to drive me more, and he’s spoken to Mom, but she gets flustered, says she’ll take him, and then doesn’t.
What can I do to help?
Smelly Dog/Mom
You already have your dad on board, as he seems to agree with you on the smell factor. Talk to him and see how the two of you can together, help your mom. Set up a schedule so she’s not the only one walking the dog, but more importantly, to help get the dog to the groomer on a regular basis. Because I agree with you – the smell of a large dirty dog can be pungent and isn’t how you want to smell.
FEEDBACK Regarding the daughter who can’t carry a tune (Oct. 2):
Reader – “Coming from someone who loves to sing but isn’t very good, this girl doesn’t need to be told she’s a terrible singer. However, show her how to share her love of music, and performing, in other ways.
“Having an honest conversation, that her enthusiasm and love of music is appreciated but singing may not be what’s best for her, is in her best interest.
“Is there a school band where she can share her love of music through an instrument? Is there a drama club where she can share her love of performing? If not, perhaps she could get into drama classes outside of school.
“She can also be directed to musical groups that sing for fun preferably outside of school.
“If she insists on continuing to sing, then continue to support her love of music, rather than her ability.”
Lisi Tesher is an advice columnist based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions to [email protected].
