Dear Lisi: My neighbour has a young dog that barks a lot. The neighbour is very pleasant. She even leaned over the fence one day and apologized for the barking. She said she was training the dog and hoped to have the barking under control soon.
Well, a few weeks later I lost my temper and yelled at her over the fence. I said renters are terrible neighbours and that I bought a house so I wouldn’t have to live near renters. I said she was the worst neighbour I ever had and that I wanted her to move. My neighbour went in her house and did not respond.
The next day I called the city to complain and said she lets the dog bark at 4 a.m., which is not true. My very pleasant neighbour has not spoken to me since. I feel bad. What should I do?
I don’t really hate dogs or neighbours
You should apologize!!! I understand that a barking dog can be an annoyance, but so can a crying baby, or the loud sounds of someone learning drums or saxophone. That’s city life. And as you specified, she recognizes that her dog’s barking is bothersome and has apologized for it.
What you did was mean and unjustified. I’m not even sure an apology is enough. You snapped in an uncontrollable and probably terrifying manner to this young woman. I wouldn’t blame her for being afraid of you.
If you want peace and quiet, move to the country.
Dear Lisi: My boyfriend is incapable of making a decision. ANY decision. We’ll be discussing going out to see a movie and I’ll casually ask which one he wants to see. His response will be somewhere along the lines of: “I don’t know, I don’t care, you choose.”
The same thing happens when deciding which restaurant to go to, what time we should meet at a bar, who is going to pick up whom. It’s frustrating and exhausting.
I don’t want to be the one who constantly makes the decision. That’s no fun. Then we never end up doing anything new or different because I’m a creature of habit.
How do I get my boyfriend to make some decisions?
Sick of Choosing
Relationships are about partnership, and that means sharing in responsibility. Unfortunately, it’s up to you to teach your boyfriend how that looks in your daily lives. You could talk about why it’s hard for him. Perhaps he’s afraid of your response. Perhaps he’s afraid of failing. Perhaps he’s apathetic.
Discuss with him why it’s important for you that he step up and become more involved in decision making. Then put him to task. For example, every Thursday night, he must make the plans. That means he must choose the activity, the restaurant, the time, the dress code, etc. Unless there’s a special event that you hear about, or something specific you want to do on that day. If that happens, switch days with him.
Another idea would be that he decides on breakfast one day of the weekend and the activity the other day. Just get him thinking and encourage him along the way. He’ll get there.
FEEDBACK Regarding the summer fling (Aug. 27):
Reader #1 — “I read this column about a summer fling, and your response to tell the ex-boyfriend. All I could hear was Ross from Friends shouting, “We were on a break!”
“The two seem like mature individuals, who made a conscious decision to break up and go separate ways. What happened in this time period stays in this time period. There is a difference between cheating on someone in a committed relationship and a summer fling. It’s none of the ex-boyfriend’s business.”
Reader #2 — “You suggested she tell him, and, in time, he’d get over the hurt and possibly understand. First, I was taught that a gentleman never talks about former sexual exploits. It’s no one’s business and best to let sleeping dogs lie. I’ve been in a relationship where my partner thought nothing of telling me about previous flings and, perhaps due to my male ego, these details remained in my head and caused me great anxiety, even to the point of mistrust.
“You must understand that men and women are wired differently, and sometimes a male ego can get in the way of rational and clinical thought. Today, my wife and I are incredibly contented with a mature understanding that there is no reason or useful purpose for us to discuss former lovers and relationships. There is nothing dishonest about this and, if asked, we would tell each other the truth, but why?”
Lisi Tesher is an advice columnist based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions to [email protected].
