Dear Lisi: A few months ago, a friend of mine was in a terrible car accident. Somehow, he walked away, but his girlfriend ended up in hospital with life-threatening injuries. I was out of town at the time and didn’t hear about the incident. He’s a good friend but not a bestie, and we don’t have many friends in common. We communicate through text and social media several times a month, but we only see each other once a month at most, and usually with one or two other friends.
A few days after I was home, I heard that his girlfriend died and was horrified. I had no idea what had happened. I called him right away, but he refused to talk to me, saying I was a terrible friend for not reaching out earlier.
I assured him that this was the first I had heard of the accident, let alone his girlfriend’s injuries, and called immediately. But he’s so upset with me, he doesn’t want to see or speak with me.
What do I do?
Lost Loss
Your friend is hurting. You didn’t mention whether the accident was in any way his fault, but either way, I can only imagine he is feeling guilt, legitimate or otherwise. And now that his girlfriend has died, there’s also survivor’s guilt that he’s dealing with. He’s going to need a lot of professional help, along with the support of friends and family.
And he’s angry – not necessarily at you, but you’re now a good target. If you have the strength, just let him be. Know that he really doesn’t have the right to be mad at you – you did nothing wrong – but he’s mad at the world and needs an outlet.
Show him that you care – by being at the funeral, dropping by with food or other care packages, inviting him out (when he’s ready) for a meal, or to a movie, or an event. You don’t have to put all your energy into the friendship, but don’t give up on him. I hope for you both that he comes around sooner than later.
FEEDBACK Regarding the grandparent witness to young children alone in a park (July 4; Aug. 13):
Reader – “Seven and eight-year-olds should never be left alone anywhere? So, they can’t play street hockey or basketball in front of their homes without a parent present? Can’t walk to school alone? Can’t be left in the house while Mum goes in the neighbour’s backyard for a chat? Can’t go alone to the library on the corner? Can’t leave the apartment? What a restricted life to be always under a parental gaze!
“An eight-year-old of normal intelligence needs to be learning skills to enable growing independence, and these would surely include being able to walk about his own neighbourhood in daylight hours when other children are about. Follow from a distance, hiding behind trees if you must, but at least give the child a taste of independence. There are too many neighbourhoods with signs urging drivers to slow down because children are playing, when in fact the only child to be seen is the occasional one being escorted by an adult.
“It’s terrifying to let your child off the leash — and with a murdered child relative I’m more terrified than most — but it must be done. We can be abused, injured, kidnapped, killed at age three, at eight, at 15 or in adulthood. Should we all then go nowhere alone and without a cell, GPS, pepper spray and Kevlar vest?”
Lisi – I think you’re taking my response to an extreme. However, every parent will have their own definition of what feels safe enough to them. And each situation is different. Do you live on a cul-de-sac with three other families all with same-aged kids? Then sure, the kids can play outside together. Do you live in the heart of an urban city? If so, then perhaps it’s safer for an adult to walk their children home from school during rush hour traffic.
I stand by my original response.
FEEDBACK Regarding the teenager with an ear piercing (July 8):
Reader – “She shouldn’t get past it. The friend’s parents overstepped their authority. They should have reached out to the mother for permission.”
Lisi – I agree. And if the teenager went ahead and did the piercing without the friend’s parents’ knowledge, once those parents noticed, it would have been kind of them to give the child’s parents a heads up.
Lisi Tesher is an advice columnist based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions to [email protected].
