Dear Lisi: My husband has just asked me to consider an open marriage, and I am stunned. First, I don’t really know what that means. Second, I thought marriage was a commitment to ONE person, to be their best friend, confidante, partner and lover. If my husband wants an open marriage does that mean that our marriage has all been a lie?
I’m hurt and confused but scared to say anything. He’s given me time to “think about it.”
What do I do?
One foot out…
Before you respond to your husband, I believe you should do some research and soul-searching. From my research and experience, an open marriage is one in which BOTH spouses have the blessing of the other to have sexual relationships with someone other than their spouse. As well, those sexual relationships can include friendship and emotional connections. In other words, each of you can have multiple sexual partners, and/or a boyfriend/girlfriend, while still maintaining your marital status.
Personally, I find this confusing because, like you, I think you should be able to get all that from your spouse, which is why you married them in the first place. And if you are no longer connected to your spouse through sex, friendship or emotionally, perhaps you should end your marriage and be free to find what you’re looking for, rather than exploring what’s out there while still being married.
In your case, if your husband is requesting an open marriage and you don’t even know what he needs, then there is a huge imbalance in your relationship. I fear that you will get very, very hurt by his actions.
I would suggest asking him if, before you go the route of an open marriage, he would agree to marital counselling to see if you can find your way back to each other. If he agrees, and you do, then maybe it’ll solve the problem.
If he doesn’t agree, and still insists on having an open marriage, you must decide if you can handle it. And if he agrees, but he still wants to try the open concept, then again, it’s up to you whether you can handle that. You have choices.
Dear Lisi: My boyfriend broke up with me because I won’t have sex with him. I’m 18 and he’s 19, but I’m not ready. I’m not saving myself for marriage, I just want my first time to be special and not when someone else is ready for it to happen.
My older cousin told me that she had sex with her boyfriend when they were both 17. They both wanted to do it, but neither knew what they were doing, and it hurt. The condom broke and they spent the next month scared to death that she was pregnant.
I don’t want that experience. But I also can’t believe my boyfriend broke up with me. Should I have sex with him to get him back?
Still a virgin
NO!!!! If your boyfriend dumped you because you wouldn’t have sex, then he is NOT the guy for you! He’s selfish, self-centred and immature. Plus, he doesn’t really love you (though he may like you a lot).
I’m sure hearing that hurts, and that’s not my intention, but I believe you already know all of this. Let him walk away and find someone else to have sex with, since that’s his main goal right now. You’re still very young, with years and years ahead of you. So, enjoy your life, do the things that make you happy, hang out with friends, go to school, get good grades. You’ll meet someone new in no time who will love you for who you are. And when you’re ready to have sex, you’ll know.
FEEDBACK Regarding the Cougar Mom (Aug. 16):
Reader - “As a 30-year-old, 12 years seems like an epic age difference – especially when the older person is your mom. But the older you get, the less the age difference matters. Who cares if an 85-year-old woman is dating a 70-year-old man?
“My problem with this seemingly entitled and spoiled son is his lack of desire for his mom to be happy. She sounds young and hip. Would he rather her be alone and depressed? Is he willing to take care of her for the rest of her life?
“Also, age and maturity are not always aligned. I’ve met people younger than me who are extremely immature. And I’ve met others younger than them who are more mature than me.
“His mother is happy. He should be happy. If anything, he should make the age difference a ‘joke,’ and NOT a point of contention.”
Lisi Tesher is an advice columnist for the Star based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions via email: [email protected].
