Dear Lisi: A friend of mine has been asking to come and visit me for a few months. I’d love to see her, but I can’t have anyone stay with me right now. One of my twins is unwell and my mother-in-law is staying with us, helping me out with all the logistics. My husband travels a lot for work, and I have another child who swims competitively. And I have my own career that is time-consuming.
I’m feeling stretched and frayed and don’t have any bandwidth to deal with my friend who seemingly needs me. I want to be there for her, but now is just not the best time for me.
How do I explain all this to her without hurting her feelings? Also, what if she really needs me and I’m letting her down? I’m feeling guilty already.
Stretched Thin
Have you ever paid attention to the guidelines on an airplane that, if in case the oxygen masks drop from the ceiling above, you’re to place one over your own mouth and nose AND THEN place one over your child? That goes against many parents’ instinct, which would be to take care of their child first. However, if you are compromised, inevitably your child won’t thrive.
The point is that we must take care of ourselves before we can take care of others. As you said yourself, you don’t have the bandwidth, i.e. the energy, to care for your friend when you need taking care of yourself.
Go for a walk (some fresh air and cardio for your own physical and mental health) and call your friend. Have a good long talk with her and find out why she wants to visit so badly. Explain to her why now is just not a good time for her to come. Help her as best as you can over the phone.
Then focus on your own family. Your mother-in-law may be there to help, but she also needs your support. Your children all need you, and you need to live your life. If it’s all becoming too much, perhaps your husband could request a month free of travel and/or you could take a week or two off as Family Medical Leave (in Canada) or the Family and Medical Leave Act (in the US).
Hopefully your own world will settle down, your child will recover, and you’ll get back on track. If your friend still needs you, and you have the energy, then you can invite her for a visit.
Dear Lisi: While out walking my dog recently, I bumped into a woman I recognized. She was exuberant and far more excited to see me than I felt appropriate. She kept pulling out memories of our past, few of which I remembered.
In all honesty, I didn’t even remember her name. I tried to feign excitement, but I’m not sure I pulled it off. I later called a mutual friend and asked her about this woman. She somehow jogged my memory, and some things came flooding back.
But I still didn’t feel as excited to have seen her as she showed seeing me. Either way, I feel badly that I faked it. Should I reach out?
Fake it ‘til you make it
Good question. You could reach out to this woman for a get-together with the mutual friend, who remembers more than you. Together, the three of you could take a walk down memory lane and reminisce about the times you spent together.
If you’re not up for that, I don’t think it’s necessary to reach out to let her know that you really didn’t remember her. Next time you bump into her, you’ll remember this encounter.
FEEDBACK Regarding the eyebrow notching (Aug. 26):
Reader — “Absolutely, call the camp and speak to the director. But do not do so in an accusatory manner. They may not have been aware and may be as equally mortified.
“They should definitely speak to the parents of all the other children involved, especially those of the boy who brought in the razor.
“The real question is, if a razor blade can be brought in by a nine-year-old, what else can be brought in?
“Finally, it’s time to start talking to your son about making his own educated decisions AND thinking about consequences, especially when his health is involved.”
FEEDBACK Regarding difficulty sleeping (Aug. 30):
Reader — “Try different breathing techniques to help you sleep. There are deep breathing exercises that teach you how to slow your breath right down, relaxing your brain, taking your mind off how you are going to fall asleep.”
Lisi Tesher is an advice columnist based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions to [email protected].
