Dear Lisi: Years ago, long before marriage and children, I was in a same-sex relationship. I was broken-hearted after a years-long first-love relationship ended badly. I moved to a new town for a summer adventure and found a friend.
She was fun, funny and we hit it off. One day she came on to me sexually, and I went with it. It worked. We were inseparable for the few glorious months until summer ended, and I moved back home to start my adult life.
We stayed in touch until she left to travel the world. I met a guy, had a relationship, it ended; I met someone else, we married and now have a family.
I love my husband and my life and would say with conviction that I’m heterosexual. I have no attraction to women at all, ever. But sometimes I wonder how I could have been in a relationship with a woman, and do I have to tell people?
Confused
Today, sexuality has become as fluid as the weather. And no one cares or even thinks twice about gender and sexuality. This is your issue.
Have you told your husband about that past relationship? If not, why? I suggest you do. He can help you move past whatever issue you are having. And if he can’t, seek professional help to guide you from a place of discomfort to calm within yourself.
Dear Lisi: About a year ago, I met a woman through a friend. We were on a Zoom meeting for a project with the mutual friend. We became fast friends. The next week we met for a walk (it was still somewhat COVID-19-ish where we live). We talked and talked and had a great time.
The following week I reached out for another walk. She didn’t respond. I let it go a few days and then reached out again. Silence. After three weeks, I reached out again. I never heard from her.
Yesterday she texted, “Hey, how are you?” How do I reply?
Quick Dump and Drag
Since you barely know this woman, the choice is yours. If you’re interested in the friendship, reach out and go for another walk. But ask her what happened and where she’s been for the past year. You have a right to some explanation, if nothing else than to know it’s not her normal behaviour.
Because if it is, you should spend your energy elsewhere.
Dear Lisi: I enrolled my daughter in a religion-based all-girls’ school because it ticked off all the boxes in what I was looking for in an educational institution. But I’m unimpressed with the way they preach inclusion, but practice exclusion.
I’m shocked that no other parent seems to notice or care. For example, they suggest we don’t allow our children to participate in Halloween because it’s a non-religious North American phenomenon. But we live in North America, and in order to be part of our neighbourhood community we always celebrate Halloween. I don’t care what religion or culture children are when they come to my house trick or treating. It’s just a fun kids’ holiday.
How do I explain to my daughter that her school doesn’t want her to be an inclusive part of her community?
Exclusion
In short, it sounds like the philosophy of the school and your own parenting style don’t gel. I’m hopeful there’s another school in your area that is more suited to your lifestyle and belief system.
But if you really like the educational aspect of the school and think that you can meld the two, without upsetting the powers-at-be, then stay there.
If you want to try to change their M.O., good luck. You’ll need it. Institutions take a long time to accept and implement change.
FEEDBACK regarding the woman feeling stifled by her ageing husband (Dec. 21):
Reader – “If her husband doesn’t want to go, she should go on her own. What are her hobbies? I wanted to take a painting course in Tuscany and met a girlfriend there. Most of the other registrants were single women. We became fast friends.
“Another friend went alone on a woodworking cruise. The goals of these trips wasn’t to find a mate, but to learn a skill. She should think about what she loves to do (Write? Hike? Paint?) and I can promise you there is a holiday package out there filled with people who will become her new friends.”
Lisi – The issue wasn’t about the woman going or not going. It was about lessening the amount of time she was gone so as to not to upset her marriage.
Ellie Tesher and Lisi Tesher are advice columnists for the Star and based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions via email: [email protected] or [email protected]
