Dear Lisi: A tragedy has happened to one of my child’s friend’s family. I am heartbroken for them and everyone who knows them well.
My issue is that I am frozen and don’t know what to do or say. This happens to me whenever something terrible happens. It’s my own issue, I know, but I also know that it doesn’t come across well.
The last time I froze, the people who were already going through trauma were so hurt by my lack of involvement that they’ve dumped me as a friend. I couldn’t even explain my inaction.
What do I do?
Frozen in Trauma
First, talk to a friend or family member who knows this about you. Ask them to reach out to the family on your behalf, sending your condolences and love. They can explain your situation, but it may not register.
Second, you need to see a therapist to help you figure out what causes your freeze, get to the root of it, so you can understand what happens to you and why. Once you work through that, you’ll be able to work on a different reaction other than freezing.
My guess is that you’ve had a trauma that you’ve repressed, and may not even remember, or remember very differently as a self-protective measure.
Dear Lisi: I am really hurt by one of my friend groups. I’m an artist, and paint in a studio with other artists. Twice a year, we hold an evening event, with drinks and snacks and invite our family and friends.
My painting is very homo-erotic and not to everyone’s taste. I get that. But I’m saddened that my friends can’t come to support me. They don’t even have to look at the art if they don’t want to.
I’ve told them, as a group, how hurt I am. What do I do now?
Artist in pain
That must be so hurtful for you. I’m sorry. My suggestion is twofold: 1) tell them exactly how you feel and what you need from them; and 2) play to their excuses. So, if several of them admit they don’t like the art and that’s why they don’t come, tell them there will be a separate area for the drinks and snacks, and they can hang out there.
If others always say they’re busy, send them the invitation before you’ve even secured the date, months in advance, so that can’t be their excuse.
FEEDBACK Regarding the woman lost in grief (July 10):
Reader – “I agree that seeking professional help such as grief counselling would be helpful. There are many organizations such as the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health (CAMH) and the Canadian Mental Health Association that have great (and free) resources on grief, both for the person directly affected by loss, but also for the family and friends of that person.
“However, the two most common myths that we’re taught, that time heals all wounds, and that the person, with adequate time, will return to their old way of living and being, are destructive and unhelpful. Grief doesn’t work that way. Grief forever changes you.
“Grief doesn’t shrink over time. It is the griever who grows around our grief. But it’s always with you.
“How a person heals from grief is dependent on so many factors: the nature of the relationship with the person who died; how that person died; what was left unsaid/undone when that person died; and so much more. People need the time they need to process what’s happened to them, and to deal with profound senses of loss. Offer grievers the deepest compassion you can, because grief is the price we pay for love, and we will all go through it.”
FEEDBACK Regarding the forgetful aunt (July 10):
Reader - “It’s time for your aunt to see her doctor and have a checkup. I watched the progression in my mother from mild cognitive impairment to moderate cognitive impairment to formal diagnosis of dementia.
“The family needs to get ‘educated.’ They need to learn what techniques to start applying. For example, become involved enough to know EVERY appointment she has, then about an hour before, give her a call. Make it seem casual.
“My mother initially wanted me to tell her when I heard a story repeatedly. I started doing so, but then saw depression start to develop.
“It may be time to consider assisted living with a memory care facility. The nieces can, and should, still be involved in her life. Good facilities will encourage such involvement.
“They also need to consider Powers of Attorney for Personal Care as important decisions will need to be made for her.”
Lisi Tesher is an advice columnis based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions to [email protected].
