Dear Lisi: I am a man in my mid-40s, married 10 years with two young, wonderful kids. I’m living a perfect life, with one exception. My wife isn’t interested in sex, and it’s been two years since we’ve been intimate. I’ve tried romance, trips away without kids, suggested counselling, self-improvement (I’m back to my wedding-day weight!), but all she says is “sorry” (seems genuinely upset) and life goes on.
I don’t have a crazy libido (once a month would be fine), and I’m not looking for anything “exotic” in bed. But a life without sex has me frustrated and vulnerable to outside options. I don’t want to do that; I love my wife and our family life very much. Everything outside of the bedroom is terrific. Leaving her isn’t an option; that seems like fixing one problem but creating a thousand others.
But I find myself justifying the idea of an occasional, strictly physical dalliance outside the relationship if my wife is relegating me to celibacy. What does one do if the partner isn’t willing to do counselling?
Hot and very bothered
Have you asked your wife why she’s unwilling to go to counselling? And, with great sensitivity, have you asked her if she’s been to the doctor lately? Without making too much of an assumption, your wife could be experiencing any number of perimenopausal symptoms. A discussion with her doctor could bring her answers, relief and a renewed outlook.
Explain to her how much you love her and want to be with her, as a life partner, and intimately. Hear what she has to say.
Dear Lisi: My daughter only eats colour-coded foods. It started New Year’s Day but didn’t register concern because she’s only eight. We had an appointment with her pediatrician a month later, so I mentioned it to him. He wasn’t bothered either.
Our house is busy with our blended family. We’re at max capacity with eight people, and sometimes things get overlooked. My eldest stepdaughter brought it to my attention again just recently.
She’s still eating healthily, just colour dependent. For example, breakfast is a bowl of strawberries, and if available, she’ll add strawberry yogurt mixed well so it turns red. That day, she’ll have anything red, such as spaghetti with tomato sauce, tomatoes, red peppers, red apples, etc. The only problem being I don’t know what colour she’s on until she wakes.
Some days I just don’t notice — it’s a busy house and my husband and I both work out of the home. Should I be concerned, or is this just a phase? I’m worried I’m dropping the ball.
Colour-coded Mom Fail
I’ve never heard of colour-coded eating before. My original research allocated colours to foods based on nutrient density. But then I found the 7-Day Colour Diet where day one is white (bananas, cauliflower, potatoes); day two is red (apples, beets, cherries, red peppers, strawberries, tomatoes); day three is green (avocado, green beans, broccoli, cucumber, spinach); day four is orange (apricots, carrots, mangoes, oranges); day five is purple (blueberries, plums, prunes); day six is yellow (squash, grapefruit, lemon, pineapple, yellow peppers); and day seven is rainbow.
Perhaps your daughter saw this on social media. Perhaps it’s her call for attention in an otherwise chaotic household. I suggest you speak with a child psychologist to see if they have any experience in this area.
But if she’s eating fruits, vegetables, protein and carbs, she’s getting a balanced diet, no matter the colour. And no, you’re not dropping the ball — you’ve asked for help.
For now, explain that you understand her colour desires and want to help her eat accordingly. Then take her grocery shopping so she can help pick out the foods she’d like to eat. Preparation is the key.
FEEDBACK Regarding the mother who had her child’s birthmark removed (May 22):
Reader — “I wholeheartedly support the mother’s decision. She made the decision at a time in the child’s life where he will not remember it, other children will not have the opportunity to tease him about it, and his self-image and self-esteem are not negatively affected as a result. Later in life he will be very grateful it was removed. The real world can be very unkind sometimes.
“The grandparents need to be told that since the surgery is done and cannot be undone, there is no reason to keep talking about it. What purpose does it serve? They need to stop. They got to make the decisions for their children based on the knowledge they had at that time. Since SHE is the parent and decision maker for this child, she should be given the same courtesy.”
Lisi Tesher is an advice columnist based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions to [email protected].
