Dear Lisi: My daughter has a new boyfriend (she’s in Grade 11 and he’s in Grade 12) who seems lovely. I’ve only met him a few times, and each time he’s polite, friendly, smiley and talkative.
Recently, at a small gathering of people – some I knew, some I didn’t – an acquaintance said she had heard from his mother that he had a new girlfriend and was just realizing that person is my daughter. She then went on to tell me that he used to date her daughter’s best friend, so she had met him and thinks he’s great. She then told me that I had met him two years ago when he was dating one of our friend’s daughters at a gathering that we all attended.
He’s only 17! How many girlfriends has he had? If the tables were turned, what would people be saying about my daughter? Should I be worried about my inexperienced daughter being with someone older?
Concerned parent
As a parent, you should always be worried about your children. I say that tongue-in-cheek because obviously it’s not healthy to always be worried, but sometimes we can’t help ourselves. Our children are extensions of ourselves in many ways, and while they are still young (age is particular to each parent/child combo), it’s your duty as their parent to protect them.
Talk to your daughter. Is this her first serious boyfriend? Does she know that he’s had (it sounds like) more relationship experience? Is she nervous about the expectations of intimacy? Have you discussed safe sex with her? These are your responsibilities as her mother.
Hopefully, you will feel at ease after your conversation, knowing that she is informed, educated, aware, and prepared. Also, impress upon her that you are there to support her in any way, and that she can rely on you. Set up a safe word that she can use with you if she’s ever uncomfortable.
Now let them enjoy their relationship.
Dear Lisi: I am obsessed with a guy who lives on my floor. We are both students at the university and live near campus in student housing. We seem to have similar schedules because we are often coming and going at the same time. He’s so cute and always smiles at me, holds the door open for me, and even once offered his help when I dropped a bunch of stuff I was carrying.
I have two female roommates but neither know him. We think he has one male and one female roommate, but we can’t tell because there are often different groups of people going in and out of that apartment. My roommates are trying to help me make a connection, but we don’t know what to do or say. I don’t want to look like a jerk if he has a girlfriend.
What are my next steps?
Building Crush
Next time you find yourself walking in or out of the building with him, say hello. Step one. Ask him where he’s coming from or going to — in an interested way, not a stalker way. Step two. Seeing as it’s October, why don’t you invite him to join you at whatever Halloween get-together you’ll be attending. If he says yes, then you can move forward with your crush. If he says he already has plans, you could invite him over for pre-party (mock) cocktails WITH YOUR ROOMMATES. Make sure he knows it’s a group thing.
Then let it play out organically. You could become good friends, you could start dating, or you could remain as friendly neighbours. Time will tell.
FEEDBACK Regarding the baby shower (Aug. 19):
Reader – “I don’t think we’re seeing the whole picture. Over a year and neither set of parents had reached out to the other? Of course, the shower would be awkward.
“Imagine how the mother and father must have felt discovering their daughter was pregnant by a married man with young children. The son’s mother had already formed an opinion of the ‘girlfriend’ …if it got back to her parents, that could have caused the cold shoulder.
“Was the mother avoiding the party room and opening of gifts because she was an emotional wreck, needing the support of her girlfriends and a bottle of wine? In my opinion, for a mother not to witness her daughter opening baby gifts signifies a serious issue.
“Understandably, there is emotional upset from both sets of parents. An informal meeting with the six of them must happen prior to the birthday party to prevent any further unease.”
Lisi Tesher is an advice columnist based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions to [email protected].
