Dear Lisi: What does one do with their wedding band after a bitter divorce? My ring is non-traditional (carved silver by a local artist), and I love it esthetically. I want to be able to wear it on my right hand.
However, it also carries memories of an abusive relationship and a painful custody battle. How can I look at it without stirring up trauma? Or could I do something else with it?
Reluctant ring bearer
Great question! You said you want to wear it on your right hand, rendering it no longer your wedding band. I believe the act of moving it to that hand could remove all the power it now holds on you. It may be simple.
However, if you still look at it and see/feel all the negative, then you need to take it off. Maybe you just need to set it aside for a period of time until it no longer maintains its symbolism.
I also thought you could put it on a chain and wear it around your neck, but you’d still feel the feels every time you look in the mirror.
Another idea would be to dip it in gold, if affordable, thereby changing the colour (from silver to yellow or pink gold). That might be enough to alter your thoughts whenever you look at it.
Readers – any jewellers out there have ideas for this woman? Please send and I’ll post.
Dear Lisi: My brother-in-law has convinced my sister-in-law that they need to move back to their country of birth. Their parents brought them to Canada as children for safety and security and gave them nice lives. They found each other through their community (I’m an “outsider”), fell in love, and have continued to raise a family.
But my brother-in-law has had a lot of issues at work and can’t seem to hold down a job. My husband and I think he has mental health issues that he could address and overcome, or at least work around, but he refuses to believe anything is his doing. He’s a conspiracy theorist and has decided the world is out to get him.
My sister-in-law doesn’t want to go but, in their culture, there is no arguing with your husband to that extent. She has been crying to us for weeks. How can we support her without alienating her husband and putting her at risk?
Our children are all so close, but none are even teenagers, so their collective voices are still too quiet to hold weight.
Thoughts?
Don’t Leave! Since I don’t know which culture you are referring to, it’s hard for me to make any suggestions without risking offending anyone. So please take my suggestions with that in mind.
I think your husband could talk to his brother, maybe buy some time, get him some help and figure out a way to extricate his wife and children so they aren’t forced to move against everyone’s (but his) better judgment.
I fear that his beliefs may be more harmful to his family then he realizes and whatever he thinks is happening wherever they live now.
Try to shield your children from as much as possible but offer your nieces and nephews to stay with you whenever possible, for their benefit and to strengthen the bond with their cousins.
FEEDBACK Regarding the aunt with memory loss (July 10):
Reader – “Someone needs Medical Power of Attorney ASAP. Without this, everyone’s hands will be tied. Medical information cannot be shared. Doctors and nurses have obligations of privacy to their clients.
“Please, from personal experience, emphasize this. Also important, some kind of tracking device might be necessary.”
FEEDBACK Regarding the sex-deprived wife (July 12):
Reader #1 – “This husband needs a FULL stress test done immediately. Many times, this problem is a sign that sufficient blood flow is not reaching the lower regions. Hopefully not, but he may have blockages.
“If that’s not the case, she’ll just have to ‘look after herself’ with no guilt or shame. Some men just aren’t interested, believe it or not! She’s not alone but many women are too embarrassed to talk about it, and, unfortunately, too many husbands could care less.”
Reader #2 – “Maybe he has become impotent and is too embarrassed to admit it.”
Reader #3 – “The man is screwing someone else, or he is gay. Any man that does not want to have sex with you is getting it somewhere else.
“Hire a private detective and you will get an answer really quick.”
Lisi Tesher is an advice columnist based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions via email: [email protected].
