Dear Lisi: Last month, while at a community event, I bumped into a woman I haven’t seen in almost a year. She looked the same, but different. I was so taken with her look, that I kept trying to figure out what she had changed. Was it her hair? No. Had she lost a significant amount of weight? No. Was it because she wasn’t wearing glasses? No.
She just shrugged and said, “I don’t know. Maybe you don’t remember me that well.” But we’ve known each other since high school. Finally, we went in separate directions, and the friend I was with started laughing hysterically.
Apparently, I am so obtuse that I didn’t recognize a nose job, lip injections and Botox in the forehead. The reason I couldn’t pinpoint those significant changes is because that’s “the look.”
I’m not judging, just curious – why would you want to look like everyone else with fake fat lips, zero expression in your face, and the same nose as all your friends?
Uniquely Identical
Well… you do sound a little judgey, to be honest. I think what’s bothering you more is that she wouldn’t own up to the work she had done. And I understand that. Changing our look – even getting rid of the greys – is a vanity issue. There’s nothing wrong with any of it, but it does seem disingenuous to feign ignorance when someone comments.
I once commented on a woman’s lusciously long eyelashes, and she told me she’d done nothing different. But then another friend showed up with the same eyelashes and she told me they were eyelash extensions because hers had become so sparse after she had children.
Don’t let other people’s insecurities bother you. Move on.
Dear Lisi: My wife went on a trip with some friends a few years ago. The flight had terrible turbulence, they hit a storm and had to make an emergency landing. No one was hurt. But my wife has refused to get on a plane ever since. This happened right before COVID, so a few years passed when flying wasn’t on the top of anyone’s list.
It’s been seven years since the incident, and COVID has become part of our vernacular. We are no longer afraid of it or putting our lives on hold because of it. And now I want to travel, especially back home to see my parents who are aging. My wife is refusing to come. What do I do?
Anxious Wife
I empathize with your wife, but I understand how difficult it is for you too. Go see your parents, alone or with your children. Be patient with your wife. She will do what she can, and hopefully, in time and with help, she will fly again.
FEEDBACK Regarding the fishy spouse (Aug. 15):
Reader #1 – “Does the cousin not know what her husband does for a living and what the average salary is for such occupation? Do they not file income tax returns? His income MUST be listed on her income tax return.
“No kids, no pets. What does she do all day? Does she work?
“My advice to fishy spouse is to be VERY CAREFUL. As the ex-husband in a similar situation, HE may be very well protecting HIMSELF from HER. Is she expecting to be supported unconditionally? Has he needed to effectively place HER on a budget/allowance? Is he spending long days at the office to avoid her?
“My ex-wife got my ex-sister-in-law involved. My ex-wife felt ‘entitled’ and drained our joint account. I saw what was coming and started depositing my income in a separate account. The two women started making false accusations toward me. It went south from there.”
Reader #2 – “If the cousin is suspicious of her husband cheating, rather than pay for a private investigator, she should buy an air tag (Apple) and track his whereabouts. Where does he go before and after work?
“Also, she should ask to see his pay cheques. Why is he only depositing what is needed? Where is the rest of the money? Everyone is entitled to some money of their own, however, a marriage should be open, and each spouse should be aware of each other’s finances.
“Have they spoken about the future? Have they put money away in savings for their retirement? What about for emergencies?”
Lisi – Love the Air Tag idea!
Reader #3 – “This man may not be working at all. We had a family member who would leave every day, go to ‘work’ and spend their days in the library or park. The ‘just enough money’ could be unemployment OR he could be doing something illegal.”
Lisi Tesher is an advice columnist for the Star based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions via email: [email protected].
