Dear Lisi: I come from a family of five daughters, and I am the oldest. My parents came to Canada from a different country with all of us kids in tow, the youngest only a few months at the time. I am eight years older than my baby sister.
When we first arrived in Canada, my mom fell ill, and I had to step up. We had family here, so I wasn’t expected to become the matriarch, but I did have to do more than the average second grader. But I loved my sisters, and we had lots of fun together. We put on plays, choreographed traditional and modern dances, and ran talent shows for our cousins and neighbours.
By the time the youngest was 10, and I had just started university, living in residence, our parents split up. The two youngest girls stayed with our mom and the two older girls lived with our dad. Initially it was all amicable and the split was done thoughtfully based on the girls’ school location and their extracurricular activities. I stayed in residence because I had lost my own room, and both homes were small. I had a few items of clothing and “stuff” in each.
I managed to stay in residence for the remainder of my university career as a resident assistant. I have since graduated, found an apartment that I share with my closest in age sister while she attends university, and have a very good job in my career of choice.
I help the family out a lot, both financially and because I have a driver’s license and access to a car, which my mother does not have. Recently, when I popped over to see our middle sister and my father, they both told me I was disallowed from entering the home and they wanted nothing to do with me. They slammed the door and left me outside.
I have asked my mom and my younger sisters, but they have no idea what’s happened. I implored my roommate/sister to find out, but my dad and middle sister aren’t telling anyone. This is now causing HUGE problems amongst all of us.
What do I do?
Eldest
If they won’t let you in their home, you’re going to need to catch them out of the home. But separately. Find your sister at lunch one day and have a private chat with her. Pop by your dad’s work, if possible, and see if he’ll at least explain why he’s not talking to you.
What they’re doing is unfair in that they’ve decided not to speak to you, but you don’t know the reason behind it. Without any information, you are unable to rectify any wrongdoing – purposeful or accidental – or clear up any misunderstanding.
If you are unable to get them to speak to you at all, you may need to request help from the extended family. Whatever happens, make sure that this “issue” does NOT trickle down to the rest of the sisters and your mother.
Reader’s Commentary Regarding the teenager who came home with a pierced ear (July 8):
“I don’t understand (other) parents. This woman sent her son on vacation with assumedly trusted friends, and he came home with a permanent body scar. Shocking!
“When my daughter was 10, she had a playdate with a friend, and the mom said she’d pick them up after school. I was picking up my other children when I saw my daughter getting into a car with a teenage boy. Turns out, the mom was stuck at work and her nephew, who had just passed his driver’s test was available to help.
“I thanked him, muttered something, and pulled my daughter out of the car. Why would that mother think that was OK?”
FEEDBACK Regarding the not-so-cozy couple (June 10, 11; July 26):
Reader – “Just read the letter from the gentleman embarrassed that he and his intended couldn’t sleep together (different schedules, snoring, etc).
“My husband and I, married over 36 years, started sleeping separately long ago. My then-boyfriend worked second shift, got home late at night and went to sleep at daybreak. This was just 90 minutes before I had to get up, and it disturbed my sleeping rhythms so much that I could never go back to sleep. I started getting sick from lack of adequate rest, and we realized we had to do something about it. As a result, we never share a bed for the purpose of sleeping. And I personally don’t know any couple who loves each other more than we do. We just let go of societal expectations and went with our own!”
Happy Sleepers
Lisi Tesher is an advice columnist based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions to [email protected].
