Last week, we heard from the mother of a six-year-old boy with an "I can't" attitude. "If he attempts to do any activity and can't master it immediately, he gives up and says 'I can't,' " she wrote. "It can be anything from riding a bike and doing monkey bars to writing and reading. He clearly does not like to fail. We have explained to him that you can't master something on the first attempt and give him examples of things he has had to practise in order to be successful at it. But he still shakes his head and gives up immediately. What can we do to encourage him and help him develop an 'I can' attitude? We have resorted to a rewards system but I am not entirely comfortable with that."
Here's what our parent educators had to say:
Your son has a negative or cautious approach to new activities. He also likes certainty and lots of it. I agree that using rewards should be limited. If it's going to be used for a specific task, remember it must have a beginning and an end. Two to three weeks is long enough to get over a learning curve or change a pattern of behaviour. Used infrequently, it is fairly harmless, but your radar is picking up on the downside of using rewards.
Your son needs to dig inside himself to develop resilience and the courage to fail. Recovering from failure is the essence of healthy self-esteem and this can be nurtured in your son. This won't be an overnight task, yet you can coach him to develop ways to think through new things.
1) At a neutral time, reflect on when he had that uncomfortable feeling of trying something new before. (Focus on something he mastered.)
2) Ask him how long the feeling lasted. We have to teach our children to deal with intense feelings and know that feelings have a lifespan - they change.
3) Ask him what helped him learn the new task. If he responds, ask, "What else worked?" You may ask that a few times and he might come up with his list of tools. Digging for his internal tools is encouraging. They are already there; he has used them before. It's much more powerful than giving him advice.
4) Ask him what the positive outcome was. (You could ask this question first as well.) He will be able to reflect that working through discomfort has a huge natural reward. This is the kind of reward that builds resilience.
5) Stay calm and focus on seeing him as having what it takes to master this. Your son's temperament is a part of who he is. The positive side to this trait is that you don't have to worry about him taking senseless risks and putting himself in harm's way. You can admire his need to be "sensible" while encouraging his ability to persist.
Allison Rees Parent Educator LIFE Seminars
Sometimes, a child feels pressure from adults to perform to a certain standard. When we praise children, we think we are encouraging the behaviour to be repeated, but often, the opposite happens. The child feels he must duplicate the action to please his parents and would rather not try, in case he does not measure up.
Instead, talk to him about how he feels about his accomplishments. It's a great way to let him focus on his feelings, rather than yours.
Sometimes, we want our children to do things before they are developmentally ready. Reading, riding a bike and even playing on the monkey bars are examples of things a child needs to be ready to do before they have the confidence to try.
We see this at school all the time. As parents and teachers, we need to keep our agenda for children to ourselves. We can create the opportunity, but then we need to allow them to exert their natural curiosity to explore the world around them. Rewarding children or cajoling them may achieve short-term change, but very soon they will likely stop.
The last thing you want is a child who will only try things or persevere for rewards, rather than for the love of learning something new and interesting.
When your child comes to you, excited about an accomplishment, focusing on his feelings rather than yours will allow you to share his joy and allow him to feel good about his learning. Similarly, when he comes to you in tears of frustration at something that has gone wrong, listening to his feelings and holding him will allow him to be sad at how things did not work, and let him move forward to try again another day. It's important not to try to fix things for him.
Continue to talk to your child about how much fun it is to try things, even if he cannot do them perfectly. There is a wonderful book for children called The OK Book, by Amy Krouse Rosenthal and Tom Lichen-held. It's a simple book that lets kids know we can't be good at everything, but just being OK is fine.
Jean Bigelow Parent Educator and School Principal
Next question:
My daughter was having a playdate with some friends (ages five to eight) when one of them came and told me that my daughter had deliberately pushed another girl.
Although I had no way of knowing if it was true, it didn't seem characteristic. I told the girl, who is eight, that if the other girl had an issue with my daughter, she would probably come and tell me. Did I handle it right? What's the best way to handle a tattle-tailer?
Do you have any advice for this parent? Are you struggling with a parenting dilemma? Send your input to [email protected]. Please put "the parent rap" in the subject line. Questions about kids from infants to teens welcome.
