Caryn Beth Rosenthal ceremoniously dumped her boyfriend of 10 years on July 5, 2009 - the very same week Maryjane Fahey was dumped by her boyfriend of seven years.
On the surface, only one of those scenarios seems like a choice. But as both women will (happily, loudly, hilariously) tell you, the decisions following their breakups are the ones that really count.
"Everything in life is a choice," Rosenthal says. "You can choose to be happy, you can choose to take a proactive stance and get your autonomy back. You are driving the bus."
Rosenthal and Fahey decided to team up and write the newly released Dumped: A Grown-Up Guide to Gettin' Off Your Ass and Over Your Ex in Record Time (Sellers Publishing). It's a joyous, raucous pick-me-up filled with reminders that you're better off having moved on.
It's also a not-so-subtle reminder that you may not like what life is dishing up, but you don't have to eat it. (And you certainly don't have to ask for seconds.)
"We talk in the book about exploring what you want in life, as well as who you want," Fahey says. "It's so important to understand that you're a free person."
A bitter breakup may not be in your recent past (or future). But statistically speaking, something is likely to be gnawing at you these days. Forty-seven per cent of Americans report experiencing "a lot of happiness and enjoyment without a lot of stress and worry," according to the most recent GallupHealthways Well-Being Index, which tracks our well-being via telephone interviews with 1,000 adults. That leaves a majority of us experiencing a little less.
Jonathan Alpert, a New York-based psychotherapist, says that many of his patients believe themselves mired in situations over which they have no control.
"I can't tell you how many clients came to me after they wished and wished for better lives, only to see their lives continually get worse," Alpert says.
"Rather than being proactive and taking the initiative, people spend time hoping that the right person will magically walk into their life, that the job promotion will just materialize or that their spouse will suddenly start behaving in a less irritating way."
Setbacks, some of them dire and gut-wrenching, will certainly occur during your lifetime. No amount of good decision-making will protect you from the pain of losing a beloved family member, for example.
But if you feel as if life is handing you a series of lousy breaks, it may be time to take a full accounting of your role in the less-thanideal outcomes.
"Rather than looking at others as the reason you are stuck or can't accomplish something, you need to look at what is within your control," says Alpert, whose new book, Be Fearless: Change Your Life in 28 Days (Center Street), suggests a five-step plan to break your stasis. "The blame game is a form of avoidance. The more we focus on others being the reason for our problems, the longer we go without addressing our own issues. Solutions will elude people who look at others as the culprit."
Acknowledging that we have the power to effect change means deciding whether - and how - to wield that power.
"For many, the fear of the unknown is far more daunting than living with the anxiety they know," Alpert says. "We get comfortable being uncomfortable."
So we wait.
"Waiting and wishing for change are two of the biggest things that hold people back from achieving their goals and success.
They are about as effective as doing nothing," Alpert says. "If you wait or wish for your dreams to unfold, they will remain dreams. If you take action with a smart and practical plan, then you'll turn your dreams into a reality."
Problem is, a smart and practical plan is no small achievement for those of us who are decision-challenged. Which is to say most of us.
"When you ask most people, 'How do you make big decisions?' they say, 'I go with my gut,' " says Hal Mooz, author of Make Up Your Mind: A Decision-Making Guide to Thinking Clearly and Choosing Wisely (Wiley). "Boy, is that risky. You might as well just flip a coin."
By approaching decisions more mindfully - measuring what's at stake, characterizing alternatives, applying appropriate judgment - we can introduce real, positive change in our lives, Mooz argues.
"If you are decision fit, you will naturally be physically fit because you'll be making the right food choices and exercising and taking care of yourself," he says. "Decision fitness makes us good parents, good mates, good at business. It's the most important skill we can hone."
But we often get stuck, Mooz says, in that spot between deciding to make changes and actually making the changes.
"Individuals will usually judge themselves by their best intentions," Mooz writes in Make Up Your Mind, "even though the intentions may never get implemented by the triggering action."
Conversely, "people will usually judge others by their worst action," he says.
