Last week, we heard from a mom fed up with her five-year-old daughter's whining and fussing:
"My daughter often approaches life with a whiny attitude," she wrote. "I thought she was starting to handle it better and per-haps even grow out of it now that she's five years old, but her whininess has escalated with the start of kindergarten. After years of put-ting up with this behaviour (and using various strategies to manage it, like talking, hugs and time outs), I now tell her that if she wants to whine and fuss, she can go in her room, because her behaviour is not welcome in the rest of the house. Am I approaching this correctly? Am I too dismissive?"
Here's what our parent educators had to say:
Your daughter came into the world as a sensitive person and perhaps a little inflexible. Now that she is in kindergarten, she is experiencing certain kinds of stress, both positive and negative.
This creates all kinds of feelings for her and because she is five, she doesn't know how to express her feelings in a more mature way.
Think about it: When we are in a bad mood, we have to trace where that mood began, ask ourselves what we are feeling, then figure out if there is something we need to do about it.
Children aren't able to do this, so they express feelings in all kinds of ways, from hitting to temper tantrums to saying "I hate you" and whining.
While you say her behav-iour isn't welcome in the rest of the house, I wonder if she interprets this as a rejection of her, not just her behaviour. If so, this could have a negative impact on her self-esteem and sense of belonging. It's not time to give up on talking, hugging and developing strategies to help her deal with her feelings.
You say you have spent years of putting up with this behaviour. My sense is that you have expected some-thing from her that she hasn't been able to live up to. Nurturing the connection you have with her regardless of her behaviour must come first.
Children need guidance when it comes to under-standing their feelings, so they can learn how to express them effectively.
You can say, "I'd like to hear what you want in a clear voice." You can also provide the basic structure of an "I statement" by get-ting her to fill in the blanks:
When I (see or hear) ___ I feel ___ because ___ I want/need ___. This is a useful tool to teach assertiveness.
Of course, that doesn't guarantee that you get what you want, but it is a step beyond whining and com-plaining. The next step is to learn to be an effective problem solver. Once your child has identified what she actually needs or wants, you can help her solve her problems by brainstorming ideas with her. Don't take over the problem, just be a consultant.
Ignoring certain behaviour is also a useful strategy. Whining can be ignored when you know your daughter knows what to do instead.
This is preferable to getting angry and reacting negatively to it. Ignoring specific behaviour is done thoughtfully in the spirit of teaching, not punishment.
The idea is that you give her positive attention after the whining or when she is speaking assertively. This teaches her that she can express herself effectively and be supported.
I also recommend reading Dawn Huebner's book What To Do When You Grumble Too Much: A Kid's Guide to Overcoming Negativity to your daughter to help her understand her feelings.
Allison Rees Parent Educator LIFE Seminars
Children whine because it works. When a simple request does not get them what they want, they often resort to whining, which can wear down even the most stalwart parent. The parent gives in and the child learns a tactic that achieves her goal of getting what she wants.
Luckily there is an easy solution. Tell your daughter in a friendly way that your hearing is going and you cannot hear her when she uses a whiny voice.
The next time she whines, calmly tell her that you cannot hear her when she speaks like that, and in a neutral tone, continue repeating this line until she moderates her voice to a civil tone.
If you never, ever give in, very quickly your daughter will drop this as a tactic to get what she wants.
Jean Bigelow Parent Educator
Next question:
My son is 16 and he's reached the age where he's going to par-ties where kids are consuming alcohol. He knows he shouldn't drink, because he's underage, but the reality is that there will be drinking around him. How do I help him cope with the pressure that will inevitably come from his peers? I've told him that he can always call me if he can't handle a situation, but are there other ways I can help him navi-gate this?
Do you have any advice for this parent? Are you struggling with a parenting dilemma? Send your input to [email protected]. Please put "the parent rap" in the subject line. Questions about kids from infants to teens welcome.
