Bullies, unlike their victims, are usually in plain sight and often gloat about what they've done, say the Victoria authors of a new book on bullying.
Peter Schroeder and his wife, Dagmar Schroeder-Hildebrand, co-authors of Bullies and the Three Monkeys: How the vicious cycle can be broken, say bullies are usually willing to identify themselves and are rarely afraid to own up to what they've done or are doing.
"Most of the bullies had told other people, 'Yes, I bullied,' " said Schroeder.
"Every bully told us, or told other people, why they did it, how they did it."
The authors solicited letters or emails from several thousand kids for their book, asking children to describe their experiences either as a victim or a bully, and promising subjects anonymity, said Schroeder-Hildebrand. But one proud bully said they could use his name. "We had one bully who said, 'Oh, you can put me in, I don't mind,' " she said. "I think the bully is much more visible than the bullied kid."
With the recent suicide of 15-year-old Amanda Todd, headlines are full of the consequences of bullying, particularly the opportunities the Internet affords for mob taunting and shaming.
But Schroeder, 70, an economist and writer, and Schroeder-Hildebrand, 69, a psychologist and journalist - both Germans who recently became Canadian citizens - were inspired to write Bullies after tackling a history book called Six Million Paper Clips, about the Holocaust.
While on tour in North America and Europe visiting schools, churches, synagogues and even movie theatres with their book and film for Six Million Paper Clips, the two encountered children who clearly understood the horror of the Holocaust. But they described it in terms of their own experiences, frequently concluding that Hitler was the ultimate bully.
After reading thousands of submissions from kids, the authors believe the best way to stop bullies of all kinds is for everyone - children, parents, teachers and other adults - to recognize them in action. (The three monkeys reference in the title stems from the "see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil" pictorial maxim, suggesting turning a blind eye to bad deeds.)
Too often, bullies are admired and even encouraged, they said.
Told his child is a bully, a father may chuckle to hear his son throws his weight around. Parents can also be defensive and say there must have been a reason for the attacks.
Adults may shrug off bullying behaviour as an inevitable part of growing up and say other kids need to learn how to handle it.
Without intervention, bystander kids will do nothing, laugh or even join in.
The number of kids engaging in bullying behaviour can be far greater than the number of victimized children.
Sometimes, depending on the age and development of the children, teachers can be too intimidated themselves to want to intervene, with threats of violence or of false accusations by the bully. "It's very complicated for teachers," said Schroeder-Hildebrand.
But she and Schroeder said while bullies seem to share a common desire for public recognition, they also tend to wilt when it's pointed out that what they are doing is wrong.
"When even one wimpy little kid will stand up and say, 'Stop, what you are doing here' it interrupts the flow," said Schroeder.
He calls these moments "civil courage," when one person stands up to assert what is right.
It might not even be a child. It can be a minor league sports coach who pulls from a game a star player who is throwing his weight around, without respect for others.
Both authors said it can be hard for parents to hear that their child is a bully or taking part in a bullying activity. But parents can also go a long way to making things right by intervening.
"The moment we can break the cycle, when the bystanders don't stand by or don't applaud, then the bully would be pretty much alone, isolated," said Schroeder-Hildebrand.
Schroeder, also said he is a big believer in second chances. Even a bully, asked to explain his behaviour and given a chance to make the right choices, can become a good friend.
Bonnie Leadbeater, a psychologist and University of Victoria professor who created the school anti-bullying program WITS (for Walk Away, Ignore, Talk it Out, Seek Help), said parents should be alert for signs of bullying.
"Sometimes you can see it going on," said Lead-beater. "Maybe everybody is hovering over one phone, laughing or being smart."
While parents might not be able to spot their children in action as bullies, they may find clues, such as aggressive, argumentative behaviour or a dropping off of social activities with peers.
Leadbeater said if parents suspect their kids are acting inappropriately but don't know what action to take, they should be willing to seek help themselves.
Many intervention programs exist to help parents deal with aggressive children.
"Let's take some responsibility as adults," she said.
Deborah Courville, associate superintendent for the Victoria School District, said schools do their best to teach children how to be good community members and not bully.
Courville said these lessons have to be appropriate for the children's age, be it elementary, middle or high school. And they must be imparted in partnership with parents.
"What we always hope is a student will learn in the education system how to be a good, responsible, caring citizen," she said,
Courville said schools offer students a chance to be leaders: they ask older students to assist younger ones, or to help with community projects such as fundraising or putting together food hampers. There is even an anti-bullying Pink Shirt Day.
"But it's not something we can ever stop doing," said Courville. "The more opportunities we give students to experience good social behaviour and good friendship skills the better."
Courville said it's important that schools and parents are sending the same message about what it looks like to be a good citizen.
"Parents can work with their child so that the child has an opportunity to know what it means to be a good, caring friend, or a good citizen and somebody who gives back."
