Last week, we heard from a mother whose 6 1 /2-year-old daughter has an extremely difficult time making decisions, no matter how minor.
"I try to limit her choices," she writes, "but given three options for breakfast, she'll say she doesn't want any of them, or dither endlessly. Same with clothes. If I just enforce the breakfast/ clothes issue by giving her no choice, she cries and makes a big fuss.
"I've tried to enlist her help to come up with ways to deal with this, but we seem to be at a stalemate. I'm worried she will grow up being paralyzed by decision-making."
Here's what our parent educators had to say:
Giving children choices in certain things is an important part of child development. As parents, we are inclined to make most decisions for our children; it's easier and most often, we know the best option.
Giving our children choices at an early age will help them understand that they have some say in the world around them.
Saying that, there are many, many things that we should not give children a choice about. As parents, we are in charge - parents must reserve the right to set the rules for essentials like bedtime, screen time and other things that reflect your family values.
- Have a conversation with your daughter, telling her you make choices and decisions every day. Sometimes, they don't work out, but you are OK with that, since nobody makes perfect decisions all the time. The trick is to move on and learn from unfortunate choices.
- Give her a couple of examples of choices you wish you hadn't made and talk about how you moved on from that. Let her know that as we grow up and mature, there are more and more decisions to be made, and she is at the beginning of that process.
There are easy choices and hard choices as well as good and bad ones. Talking over choices you have made in all these categories will help her understand that making decisions and living with the outcome is part of life.
- Then give her simple choices - does she want to wear her butterfly pajamas or her purple pajamas to bed? Does she want eggs and toast or pancakes for
breakfast? Until she is ready, limit the options to two, adding more as she becomes more comfortable.
- If she doesn't make a choice, hold her close and let her know that you will make the decision for her this time. If tears erupt, continue to hold her close, and in a warm and supportive voice, tell her that you know how hard this is and that's OK.
Continue to offer choices and applaud her when she makes a decision - even if it turns out badly.
- Look for opportunities to continue to role model decision-making for her.
Once she sees that she can make certain decisions, she will develop more confidence in making them in more complex situations.
Jean Bigelow Parent Educator
Analyze your child's behaviour by pulling it out of the specific issue and into the bigger picture. Antecedents, which are triggers to negative behaviour, need to be identified.
Has something been happening to create anxiety around making the wrong choice? How was her school year?
Does this happen when she is tired, hungry or when you are in a hurry?
Now think about her temperament. Is she cautious when it comes to new things? Is she a child who doesn't do well during transition times? Is she a perfectionist? Is she highly sensitive physically to the feel of clothing? What contributing factors (antecedents) are getting in the way.
Finally, what kind of consequences follow her big fuss? I can imagine a lot of frustration on your part. What else? Is she rewarded with lots of focus when she fusses?
This is the ABC's of parenting. Antecedents, behaviour and consequences. Both the antecedents and the consequences contribute to the behaviour. Many parents will focus on the consequence, which can work as long as the antecedent isn't too strong.
Some parents use a behaviour change goal chart, where they list a few responsibilities such as getting dressed and brushing teeth. The child completes the task and some kind of reward takes place, which acts as motivation.
When parents do this, it should have a beginning and an end and it usually takes two to three weeks to change the negative patterns. The natural positive consequence takes place when the child develops a new skill.
Other strategies involve allowing the natural consequences to take place, which involves explaining that her job is to get to the car fully dressed. Here, the parent minds her own business and hands the responsibility over to the child.
There can be many creative solutions, but often when nothing works, it is because of the antecedent. Even when you can't change the antecedent, pinpointing it can really help.
This can allow you to articulate it with your child and support her emotionally. Start with an observation and express it to her. "It seems like making a choice feels scary (upsetting, maddening, frustrating) to you." Stay curious and let her guide you.
Use your best listening skills by simply reflecting what she says and how she feels. Just listen. You might get to the heart of the matter if you do this. "Enlisting" her must start with connection and understanding. When it comes to decision-making, children learn to be assertive in their home environment. Healthy self-esteem is nurtured by the parent by affirming their thoughts and feelings, accepting them as they are and showing affection. For more information, see my "Cut It Out" segment titled "Gushy Praise" in our website, Lifeseminars.com
Allison Rees Parent Educator LIFE Seminars
Next question:
My six-year-old son is extremely energetic and active. When he has to sit still, he gets fidgety. We're working with him on learning to read, but find it extremely difficult to get him to sit still long enough to read a sentence. Any suggestions for instilling good reading habits?
Do you have any advice for this parent? Are you struggling with a parenting dilemma?
Send your input to [email protected]. Please put "the parent rap" in the subject line. Questions about kids from infants to teens welcome.
Note: The Parent Rap is taking a two-week holiday, returning Aug. 11.
