Last week, a grandmother wrote in with a question about her preschooler grandson:
“My daughter and her husband have a boy who is 3 1Ú2 and a new baby girl. The little boy is precocious, outgoing and fairly naughty. He is also sweet, smart and loving to everyone. Some of his naughty behaviour has always been there and some of it has gotten worse since the new baby.
“Given timeouts, he fights back, kicking all the way to his bedroom, where he throws all his toys at the closed door. He has meltdowns if interrupted while doing something he likes, or when it’s time to go home from a park or somewhere he’s having fun. He will have a meltdown if his socks are put on for him and he wanted to do it himself. He’ll ask for toast for breakfast and then push it out of his mother’s hand and say ‘No, I want daddy to make it.’
“Yes, he is difficult, but I think he’s been told he’s bad for so long now that it’s getting to him. He’s always telling me he’s been bad and which of his toys have been taken away.
“They try to be good parents and love this little guy, but it’s a battle of wills all the time. Punishments have gone so far that he’s been told he can’t have cake on his dad’s birthday. He’s had his stocking taken down at Christmas and presents that have been put under the tree early taken away. These thing are put back after he’s been good for a while.
“We feel sorry for the little guy! And we feel bad for my daughter and her husband because they can’t seem to break out of this situation. Since their approach doesn’t seem to be working, what should they do?”
Here’s what our parent educators had to say:
One of the reasons I teach parenting courses is to help parents understand their children’s behaviour and stop seeing it as naughty. Replace the word naughty with normal and everyone will respond with more patience.
Changing your perceptions can allow you to deal thoughtfully with a behaviour, rather than reacting negatively.
Recognizing that your grandson doesn’t do well with transition means that you can manage that trigger. Give him a warning, so he can adjust before stopping something that he loves to do. You can reflect his feelings: “I know you don’t want to leave the park — you are so mad!” This tells him that his feelings are OK but that you are still setting a limit by leaving the park.
This can go a long way to help a child manage his behaviour and still feel loved and accepted. You mention he has always been this way and you are right. We come into the world with a blueprint that shapes our personality.
This, combined with being very young, generates all kinds of behaviours, including temper tantrums. This really is normal for this age.
While we may not like it, children are immature. That’s right — they act like a bunch of kids! They have temper tantrums, whine, throw things when they get mad and even bite people. While we may not approve of all this behaviour, we do have to accept it. Many people expect way too much from their children, fearing that if they let it go, they are being laissez faire.
They try to change the behaviour by using consequences — actually, let’s be honest: punishment. Taking things away in an attempt to make a child behave is ineffective when the child is incapable of the desired behaviour. The child feels like he doesn’t measure up. “I’m bad.”
When a child thinks he is bad, he will act that out. Furthermore, when punishment is used by parents in the way described by your question, it interferes with the parent/child relationship and the child may learn to be sneaky and go underground with behaviour so as not to get caught.
Your daughter and her husband are doing the best they can with what they know. The good news is that new skills can be learned to turn things around — perhaps via a parenting course. This will help the self-esteem of both your grandson and mom and dad.
Allison Rees
Lifeseminars.com
Sidestepping the Power Struggle runs April 20
You may have read before in this column that punishments and consequences do not work. Timeouts make the child feel that the relationship between him and his parents is broken, which can be terrifying — hence the kicking and screaming. Similarly, taking away favourite toys and treats makes a child feel like you do not care for him.
Likely, your grandson feels that the new baby who takes a lot of Mummy and Daddy’s time is more important, so it’s not surprising that he is acting out more than before. The good news is there is much that can be done to help your grandson mature and grow in a positive way.
• First of all, never, ever tell or let anyone tell this child that he is bad. This is not true and can be incredibly hurtful. He may make some unfortunate choices, which need to be dealt with, but he is a wonderful boy who is deeply loved. He must be reminded of that several times a day.
• Safeguard and nurture the child's desire to be good for you. That means that all discipline must be accomplished from within a warm relationship.
• Take charge, and when you have to say “no,” stick to it and allow him to cry about not getting his own way. He needs to know that his parents and grandparents are in charge and he can depend on them to do what is best. Help your grandson find his tears of futility when things do not work for him. Then hold him close as he comes to terms with it.
• Be sure you’re in a warm relationship before you ask him to do anything. When the relationship is not at its strongest, counterwill kicks in, prompting the child to do just the opposite of what we want. This is human nature and is to be expected.
• When problem behaviour occurs, point out the problem, but reassure him that you and he are OK and you will get through it together. If a timeout is needed, take it together, letting him know that you love him and are there for him. Later, when you are feeling especially close to your grandson, you can solicit his good intention not to do that particular thing again, always working from within the relationship.
• Avoid power struggles. Bringing a child along is the best way to effect positive change.
• Use structure and routines to get the desired results. The more structure and routine in a child's life, the less there is to get into conflict about.
Remember, no child ever wakes up in the morning determined to be naughty. Your grandson is no exception. You mention his sweet and loving nature — by taking the time to soften and warm up the relationship, you will see him begin to develop in a much more positive way.
Jean Bigelow
Parent consultant
Next question:
When my kindergartner daughter stubbornly refuses to do what she’s been asked to do, I try to make natural consequences the outcome. Don’t want to wear a coat? Fine. Eventually, she’ll get cold and ask for it. Where this strategy runs into difficulty is when it has an impact on her older sister — for example, the younger one’s refusal to put on her shoes makes her sister late for school. Or her refusal to clean up her stuff makes their shared room a mess. How do you apply natural consequences in these situations, without hurting others?
Do you have any advice for this parent? Are you struggling with a parenting dilemma? Send your input to [email protected]. Please put “the parent rap” in the subject line. Questions about kids from infants to teens welcome.
