Last week, a mother wrote to ask what to do when both parents aren’t on the same page.
“My husband and I don’t agree on a lot of parenting issues. We frequently argue in front of the kids about discipline and I know that isn’t the right thing to do. I can’t stand back, though, when he is being harsh with the kids. I think it is damaging. If I say anything, he gets his back up and tells me to stay out of it and then we argue. How do we get on the same page if we can’t even talk about this? Our kids are six and nine.”
Here’s what our parenting consultants had to say:
Many parental disagreements stem from the fact that the parents had different upbringings, and thus, have different ideas about appropriate limits and how to enforce them. Often, one parent sees the other as being either too harsh or too lenient. For two adults to work together effectively, they must have an agreement that each is to be respected in their interactions with the children, as long as there is no abusive behaviour.
As hard as it is, you have to start by controlling your urge to step in and interfere with your husband’s interactions with the kids. This you have immediate control over and it will be an important part of changing this unhealthy pattern. The next step is to engage in a supportive conversation with your husband, one that acknowledges his frustrations and concerns along with yours.
If this comes out as a criticism, it won’t go anywhere. It needs to be an invitation to work together and to find a strategy that will help you with that. You might agree to talk to a third party, read a book together or take a course, but whatever it is, focus on the loving intent, which is to be supportive of one another and to provide the kids with certainty and emotional safety.
There are three legs to a milking stool: couple care, self care and child care. All have to be the same length in order to find balance.
Allison Rees
Lifeseminars
You are right. Trying to sort out your differing ideas on parenting in front of the children in the middle of a parenting crisis can never end well. The children are forced to take sides, which is an untenable position for them, and it will never be a successful way to change his (or your children’s) behaviour.
When things are relaxed and you feel particularly well connected to your husband, you might bring up your worries about his parenting style. In a calm and supportive way, you might ask if you could discuss your thoughts, always remembering that he, too, is trying to parent the best way he knows.
Initially, you will want to see if you can find common ground. A great place to start is to acknowledge how challenging being a parent is these days and that you do not have all the answers, but that you want to work together to make things work as well as possible.
You and he may wish to take a parenting course together, or look for a book or two on parenting that you could both read and discuss. I suggest a book that discusses a developmental, attachment-based approach to parenting.
The key is to never argue in front of the children and remember that you and your husband are in it together, so working supportively is the best way for everyone.
Jean Bigelow
Parent consultant
Next question:
My 11-year-old daughter is really hard on herself. She says things like “I am stupid, I am ugly.” It really breaks my heart. Words just don’t seem to make a difference. Is this a self-esteem issue? How can I help her?
WRITE TO US
Do you have any advice for this parent? Are you struggling with a parenting dilemma? Send your input to [email protected]. Please put “the parent rap” in the subject line. Questions about kids from infants to teens welcome.
A reader’s response to the parent who was struggling with a pot-smoking teenage daughter:
For some teenagers, marijuana use can have devastating results for their still-developing brain. This drug can cause anxiety, depression or paranoia in certain people. It is well documented that schizophrenia can result from using marijuana for some teens. This drug is also addictive to certain individuals. This parent is very concerned and I would be, too. This teen has stolen and the trust has gone. My advice is to be as informed as possible — here are some ideas:
• Download The Downside of High by David Suzuki on The Nature of Things. This is a 45-minute documentary and I would suggest having your teen sit down with you and other family members to watch this.
• Drug testing through LifeLabs (get a referral from your GP). Suggest once a month at irregular times, to give you an idea of the seriousness of the situation.
• Attend Al-Anon meetings. This is a support group for family members of someone using alcohol/drugs, which is having a negative impact on their life. There is also Narcotics Anonymous that might be more appropriate. It is very helpful to connect with others who have gone or are going through a similar situation. Support, networking and connections are critical.
• Read Addict in the Family by Beverly Conyers. This will give you insight into the situation. It is very easy to become an enabler and not even realize what you are doing. (The parent cutting her daughter’s allowance short to help cover the cost of the theft is an example).
• There is a full-time person in each high school in Victoria now who is dedicated to identifying students who might require intervention (for example, for failing, absenteeism, abusing drugs or alcohol or demonstrating body-image changes). I would connect with this person and let them know of your concerns.
• Is your teen using drugs because there is anxiety/depression/social phobia or some other issue that she is covering up? I would recommend a counsellor who specializes in teens and drug use.
• The allowance — is she still receiving this? This should be cut. Also, if the parent is paying for a cellphone, I would consider curtailing that as well, as long as drug use is taking place.
• Finally, look after yourself both physically and emotionally. You must be a good role model to your teen.
This parent might be lucky and her teen could come through this tricky time unscathed, but I would take this very seriously. She is being manipulative (which is a true addictive trait) by “charming her way out of it.” There is no trust now, from reading the letter from the parent. This is a very slippery slope and I would err on the side of caution before it escalates. Best to be informed — it will help this parent should the situation become dire.
Jackie Powell
