Last week, a parent wrote: “My 17-year-old has been smoking pot for several years. Since she didn’t get enough allowance to support this habit, she had been stealing money at home, including from her siblings’ savings.
“When we noticed, we sat her down to talk about it; she also had to return the money she took (I cut her allowance short to pay it back).
“She now has an after-school job and can buy whatever she likes. I let her do what she wants on weekends without asking questions, but I insist that she doesn’t smoke or meet certain friends during the week. She ignores these requests and either lies to me or refuses to comply.
“I have lost all trust in her and everything she tells me. I expected her to try pot at some point, and I feel I have been liberal in allowing her to do so (when she first confided in me that she had smoked, we talked about it, and I told her I didn’t approve, but would accept it as long as it was only on occasion), but now I am afraid that she is turning into a “pot head”, and am even more disappointed about not being able to trust her at all.
“I feel like I am being a nag, and I also feel that she will do whatever she pleases, and that she really doesn’t care much as to whether I approve or not.
“When she gets caught, she tries to charm her way out of it, or waits for the storm to blow over. Either way, she seems to get back to her old habits as soon as I am out of sight.
“I know that one of her close friends has been using crack, and I am really worried that she will do the same. She says no, but I cannot trust her words.
“I am sad, worried, disappointed and at a loss about what to do.”
Here’s what our parenting consultant had to say:
You have created a rule for your daughter based on your beliefs and desires.
While your rule may be sensible, it came from you, not her.
Your effort to control what she does through the week isn’t working and has put your daughter in a position to lie or defy.
While it is a huge worry for you, you have to accept the limited control you actually have and then go about managing your own emotions.
The cat and mouse game is putting a wedge in the relationship you have with your daughter.
The most potent form of guidance comes within a loving parent/child relationship. You can let your daughter know that you don’t approve of her behaviour, but that you accept that she is making her own decisions.
You can express your deep concern for her well-being and tell her that if she needs any help, you will be there for her without judgment.
In the meantime, it sounds like she is going to school and holding down a part-time job.
Perhaps she is making good choices every day that aren’t being acknowledged.
Allison Rees
Lifeseminars.com
Parenting courses
Next question:
My husband and I don’t agree on a lot of parenting issues. We frequently argue in front of the kids about discipline and I know that isn’t the right thing to do. I can’t stand back, though, when he is being harsh with the kids. I think it is damaging. If I say anything, he gets his back up and tells me to stay out of it and then we argue. How do we get on the same page if we can’t even talk about this? Our kids are six and nine.
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