Good morning, class. The teachers’ strike is over, so let’s warm up with a little current affairs quiz:
• The government says there’s no need for students to make up the three weeks of school they lost this September. This is because:
A) There’s still plenty of time to learn the alphabet from A to Q
B) No one has to know the whole table of elements
C) Don’t need no grammar to work in the LNG patch
D) They would have to pay the teachers for another three weeks, but the province already blew that money on your kid’s $40-a-day strike pay
• U.S. research suggests students lose at least a month’s worth of academic skills and knowledge over the summer holidays. A separate German study found “long, lazy holidays devoid of mental exertion lead to dramatic, if temporary, losses of intelligence and sluggish performance on return to work.”
Given that B.C. schools have been out since mid-June, the typical student can be expected to spend the first semester:
A) Eating glue at his desk
B) Licking chalk off the blackboard
C) Slow as the Colwood Crawl, duller than a Canadian sitcom
D) Praying the lost time won’t cost her a scholarship
• A 16-year-old South Carolina student was suspended in August after turning in a homework assignment in which he wrote about shooting a dinosaur. This triggered (as it were) a call to the police, who arrested the boy after he became irate. Your reaction is:
A) He was arrested? That’s awful.
B) They have school in August? That’s awful.
C) South Carolina has dinosaurs? That’s awesome.
D) Could he not have reasoned with the dinosaur?
• A 17-year-old student in Lethbridge, Alta., was suspended last week after being caught selling bootleg Pepsi out of his locker, contrary to his high school’s ban on sugary drinks. What did students sell out of their lockers when you went to school?
A) Coke
B) Coke
C) Lemon gin
D) It turned out to be alfalfa
• WestJet and Air Canada just announced they will charge $25 for checked baggage. What will we see next?
A) A $30 charge for carry-on luggage
B) A pre-boarding auction of space in the overhead bins
C) Airfares based on the weight of the passenger
D) Standing-room tickets
• Data released this week shows that between 1999 and 2012, the average U.S. woman’s waist size expanded by an inch and a half to 37.8 inches. Men’s waists grew to 39.7. This suggests:
A) Maybe banning sugary drinks from school makes sense
B) Maybe weight-based airfares make sense
C) By 2057, our circumference will exceed our height
D) We’re going to need bigger snacks to fill that extra space
• In the past two weeks, the National Football League has suspended three players for domestic violence. A total of 40 NFL players have been arrested this year (so far) on charges ranging from choking a cabbie to murder. The league should forgive a player if:
A) He says he is truly sorry and it probably, or at least possibly, won’t happen again
B) She says it was OK for him to knock her unconscious
C) Hey, it’s not like he was running a dogfighting ring
D) He is really good at football
• A simple media request to interview a Department of Fisheries and Oceans scientist about the algae known as rock snot led to 110 behind-the-scenes emails from 16 federal government communications professionals wrestling over the question of what to allow the Nanaimo-based researcher to say. This best demonstrates:
A) Ottawa’s use of your tax dollars
B) Ottawa’s commitment to open government
C) The chances of Stephen Harper keeping George Orwell’s picture in his wallet
D) The relative sliminess of federal politics and rock snot
• On Thursday, Scotland voted against separating from the rest of Britain. This makes you ask:
A) If the Scots can vote on independence, why can’t Saanich vote on amalgamation
B) Ditto for View Royal
C) Actually, it would just be a non-binding referendum
D) Anyone smell chicken?
