The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge begin their eight-day visit to Canada in Victoria on Saturday. The Times Colonist has obtained the briefing notes Kensington Palace prepared for the young couple.
They are as follows:
Your Royal Highnesses,
Enclosed are details of the official tour upon which you and the imperial ankle-biters will soon embark.
Your trip begins Sept. 24 when the Royal Canadian Air Force delivers you to the airport north of Victoria. Although you will be arriving on a military aircraft, Air Canada will still find a way to lose your luggage.
After transferring to waiting ground transport, you will then spend 45 minutes dizzily spinning through a series of roundabouts known as the McTavish Road Crop Circles before being spat out, breathless, on the Patricia Bay Highway, probably pointed in the direction of Swartz Bay.
A brief stop at Government House (don’t go to Craigdarroch Castle by mistake) will be followed by a public event at the provincial legislature, where you will be rushed by a beaming, shirtless man who will attempt to take a selfie with you. Do not be alarmed. The proper form of address for this man is “Prime Minister.”
Large crowds can be expected at this event, with individual onlookers shouting “God save the Queen!” “Where’s Pippa?” and “Everyone back on the tour bus, it’s time for lunch in Chinatown.”
After that you will return to Government House for a reception attended by what are being referred to as “senior Canadian leaders” (the Trudeaus, one of the Dragons’ Den guys, Buffy Sainte-Marie, Mike Myers dressed as Austin Powers).
The itinerary for the next few days reads like a Valdy tour: Vancouver, Kelowna, Whitehorse, Carcross, Haida Gwaii, Bella Bella … Too bad you’re not going to the Cariboo, or you could make a joke about how every time Prince George pees, his dad has to clean up Williams Lake. (See what one did there? Golly, one cracks oneself up.)
Nowhere, though, will you spend more time than the capital, showing up in Victoria on four separate occasions (two more than Christy Clark this year) for stops including the Cridge Centre and a Sail and Life Training Society tall ship.
Also on the agenda is a second Government House reception, this time with British Columbian leaders (Clark, Raffi, Jackson Davies of The Beachcombers, one or more of the Sedins) and a children’s party at the same location. (Your Royal Highnesses will be pleased to know that a bid to change the Government House name to Neo-Colonial Imperialist Manor was defeated in a 5-4 vote by Victoria city council.)
Unfortunately, time restrictions prevented the inclusion of other stops in your itinerary. There will be no repeat of 1939, when King George VI and his wife, Queen Elizabeth, were so enchanted with Hatley Castle that they later asked prime minister Mackenzie King about using it as a royal residence.
Nor will there be a repetition of 1951, when a visit by the Queen, then a 25-year-old princess, concluded with Prince Philip driving her to a private holiday up-Island. The Malahat was pretty rough back then, so Her Majesty might be surprised to learn that today the rush-hour journey between Victoria and Duncan can be completed in just six hours.
Nor will there be time to golf at Royal Colwood, sail at the Royal Victoria Yacht Club, attend a show at the Royal Theatre, eat a hot dog at Royal Athletic Park, ride the mammoth at the Royal B.C. Museum or crack a bottle of champagne over one of the new portables at Royal Bay Secondary (“God bless you and all who may fail in you”). Also, you just missed Royalflandia. Bummer.
However, local authorities have expressed a desire for you to return to Victoria to inaugurate the region’s new sewage treatment system (a royal flush, as it were) when it opens in 2036.
That’s it. Remember to show up at the airport three hours early, and don’t forget to bring home some Rogers’ Chocolates for your gran.
And BTW, should you open the Times Colonist and see the headline “Royals Beat Prince George,” don’t spew your Pimm’s in shock. It’s a reference to the local ice hockey team.
