My name is Sarah Cotton and I am the mother of Chloe and Aubrey Berry. Anything I say does not articulate the depth of my grief and loss as this is a nightmare that I can never wake up from. Since December 25, 2017, I have tried to comprehend an egregious act that is incomprehensible.
This trial was the antithesis of the healing process. I was retraumatized by all of the details that were revealed and made public through the media. I would brace myself every day for new information that I was not previously aware of.
The blame and guilt I feel that I should have done more to save their lives. To imagine that my children were not fed or cared for in the days leading up to their deaths is absolutely heartbreaking. I never imagined that Andrew wouldn't care for them. They were helpless and defenceless and I go over the brutality of their deaths over and over again in my mind.
To try to understand how the father of my children is capable of doing such a horrific and unimaginable act to his own daughters is inconceivable as all they did was love him.
Having to take the stand was unbearable and vile. I am a grieving mother who lost her daughters in the most evil way.
I have not only had to manage the way this has affected me but also have had to manage how this has affected the people I love. I have an aunt with cerebral palsy who has lived in a group home for the last 23 years. She could care for herself and was considered high functioning, but when she learned of the girls’ deaths, she became bed-ridden then catatonic. In 2018, she had to be moved twice from her group home where she was comfortable as her level of care increased dramatically. I had to stickhandle her moves, her finances, her care — all of this while grieving for my daughters. Having to see how this has affected others is devastating and too much to bear on top of my own grief and loss.
How this has affected children in our community is overwhelming. Chloe and Aubrey’s friends still talk about them and remember them with such love. Their lack of understanding at something so unbelievable is heart-wrenching. Chloe’s friend [name redacted] wrote her Christmas list on September 27, 2018 and Chloe was number one on her list of what she wanted for Christmas. Chloe and [name redacted] would have been in grade two last year and [name redacted] was struggling at the beginning of the school year because her friend Chloe wasn't there alongside her in school.
No child should ever have to go through a loss like this.
My identity is gone. My social role has had to change. I am no longer the mother who takes her children to school every day, making their meals, caring for them, ensuring they are safe and having the best life possible. I now feel a deep void and an emptiness that will never go away.
I have recurring dreams that I am trying to keep Chloe and Aubrey safe from Andrew as well as dreams where I do not have my girls and I feel such an emptiness without them.
I avoided going into our community of Oak Bay Village for months. I could not walk past the toy store, 4 Cats art studio, the grocery store, the book store or Starbucks. All the places where we had so many memories, and lived our lives together. Every time I turn around, I’m reminded of them. And having to face each holiday without them is devastating. Christmas is especially hard seeing all of the children excited for the season and knowing mine died on Christmas Day and aren’t here to enjoy it. There is profound pain and sadness at all of the memories we had and' all of the future memories we will never get to have. I have missed the opportunity to raise my daughters and knowing them as young women and adults. I will never get to see their personalities evolve, grow and change.
Chloe and Aubrey were such good human beings. l stop myself sometimes when I think of the little people they were and all that they brought to the world as it’s too painful. Their hearts were so pure — they were so full of love for their family and friends and they were loved by all of them. They were smart girls with strong boundaries and they could have done so much good in this world. And now it’s all gone.
I had to organize my children’s funeral, have Chloe and Aubrey cremated and bury their ashes.
No mother should ever have to do this.
I am concerned with what happens next as I fear for my safety if I have contact with Andrew.
I dread the day I have to begin attending multiple parole hearings. The pain, trauma and psychological harm will only continue if this has to be revisited every few years.
My energy has been low the last two years. There are weeks when all I can do is sleep. I have tried to keep my energy up and distract myself by continuing to run, do yoga and Pilates. I do not have the emotional or physical energy to put myself in most social situations and I have to limit my schedule as I can only handle so much now.
In addition to depression, anxiety and exhaustion, my other physical symptoms include insomnia, nausea, difficulty concentrating and remembering details, being startled easily, irritation and agitation, muscle aches and pains and heart palpitations.
I have been seeing a grief counsellor on a regular basis since the beginning to help get me through the emotional and physical symptoms of the trauma.
Financial
I had budgeted my finances so I could stay at home with Chloe and Aubrey until Aubrey started kindergarten in September 2018. My plan was to start consulting beginning September 2018 and work 20-25 hours a week while the girls were in full-time school. I began consulting in July 2018 on a very minimal basis and I have not been able to emotionally or physically work 20-25 hours per week consistently. As a result I have had to use my line of credit and am now having to pay down that debt.
Conclusion
Chloe and Aubrey's deaths cannot be in vain. My children had no power or understanding of what was being done. They had a right to feel and be safe.
Chloe and Aubrey were the centre of our world. They were so loved by all of our family and they shared their joy and enthusiasm with everyone they met. The girls were a precious gift that Andrew and I gave to one to another and he took that away violently.
Chloe and Aubrey will never get to know my partner, his children or his family and they have missed out on becoming part of a family that would have embraced them, loved them like their own and given them the happiness they so deserved. They have an entire family in England and the eastern United States and only a few of their cousins had the chance to meet them.
I was so honoured to be their mother. That’s all I ever wanted to be and I was a mother before anything else. Our house hummed with their energy, giggles, fast little footsteps and sometimes tears. There was so much life and joy in our house and now it has all gone silent.
My daughters deserved to live a long, full life. Andrew, as their father, was to put their happiness ahead of his own. They will never experience the world around them. They wanted to travel to other countries and now they will not get to learn about other cultures or get an understanding of this world.
Life is such a beautiful and precious thing and Andrew took that away from Chloe and Aubrey.
When asked shortly before they died what the best thing was about Christmas, both Chloe and Aubrey replied, “being with my family” and neither one of them had a chance to do that.
