I once lived with a giant. Their room was next to mine and although most of the time I loved that giant and they loved me, there were times that they scared me to tears. I remember when that giant, almost twice my size, would go from being loving and understanding to angry and yelling in an instant. When someone twice your size yells at you, towers over you, grabs your arm, and sometimes spanks you, it can scare you out of your mind…literally. I would not be able to control my emotions, I would not be able to think clearly, I would not be able to control the raging tears.
This is a dramatized version of what some parents look like to their kids. I’m a mom and sometimes I’m that giant. Please don’t get me wrong, this is NOT my typical reaction, I do NOT believe in spanking my son (although I admit to spanking his bum twice in his life and hating myself for it). But spanking is a reality. This is a controversial issue not only because it always has been, but also because of the recent news about the Mennonite family from Manitoba – a sad story of alleged abuse (article reference here). I don’t want to debate how to discipline your children, but this is how I’ve come to see it and hope to change because of it. It took me too long to recognize that I am twice the size of my son, I am one of the most important people in his life and what I say and how I say it affects him more than I can understand.
I often fail as a mom. When I’m tired, overwhelmed, ignored, and the list goes on, I find it hard to control my emotions. Most of the time I recognize that all I need is a nap or my own time-out, but those things are not always readily available. Being the parent I want to be is not an easy task.
I try to put myself in his little shoes and see from his angle what I must sound like, how it must feel in his precious heart to have the one you love most and trust most to yell at you and make you cry– it breaks my heart. I recognize that it achieves little because when your mind is clouded with intimidation, fear, and sadness then how are you able to learn any lesson.
If the tables were turned or if I was faced with someone twice my size whom I loved more than anything how would I want them to treat me and teach me? Striving to become the parent that is calm, always uses positive reinforcement, and has the right words to say is becoming my goal. It’s a far stretch, but if we never reach for the best then we’re settling and my son deserves the best.
As a Christian I think of how Jesus rarely seemed to raise his voice, and really only to adults that were talking out against His work and God. He showed disappointment with his disciples, but when it came to children this is what he had to say, ‘And Jesus invited one of the children to come and sit in the middle of them. I will tell you the truth, unless you change, and take on the personality of a little child, you will not be able to get in the kingdom of heaven. Whoever is willing to show humility as a kid would, he will be exalted the highest in Heaven above. Whoever accepts a youngster like this in my name accepts me as well. Whoever harms one of these little ones that believes in me, it would be better for him if a millstone where tied around his neck and he were drowned in the depths of the ocean.’ (Matt. 18:1-10).
I want to only show compassion, understanding, and love to my son. I don’t want him to fear me. I want him to respect me for my love, not because I demanded it and for the strength of my heart not my size. I really hope that I will become this person to him.
I leave you with a redeeming story – to show that I am not really a giant, that although I Amanda Swartz is a young mother of three childrenlose my temper like most people I must be doing something right.
I just finished telling my son his bedtime stories and I lay staring at his beautiful face. With both hands he brushes the hair from my cheeks, holds them there, and with his big brown eyes staring back at me he says, ‘Mama, I love you. I will always love you.’
Amanda Swartz is a writer, mother and a former member of The Salvation Army High Point Community Church in Vic West. She recently moved to Ontario.
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