If you suspect your relationship partner is having an affair, start thinking seriously about how to deal with it. It doesn’t really matter who initiated it, or how long it’s been going on.
What’s needed next requires your inner strength and love; I mean it. Despite feeling wounded, it’s time to start a conversation — not an angry tirade — about what you two have previously shared together.
Remember that cheating is someone’s cop-out. It’s that person’s way of avoiding whatever is going wrong in their core relationship. So once the affair is discovered, or even suspected, a conversation must ensure wherein your partner must reveal their reasons for cheating on you. You have the right to ask, and it’s wise to start the conversation by questioning what’s changed the other’s mood and/or behaviour.
Given the realities of just such matters as infidelity, distancing and diminished connection, along with absence of intimacy in many people’s lives, it’s no surprise relationship therapists are kept busy, and thankfully so.
Meanwhile, for over 30 years, Terrence Real has been talking about the relationship changes needed by so many couples.
Real is an American Cambridge senior faculty family therapist and author who guides couples and individuals, bringing along his own teaching team when required, through his innovative work on “The Art of Relational Living” in today’s couples’ lives.
“Nothing is more important in our lives than our relationships. They boost your immune system, open your heart, and keep you vital and creative,” he says in his book.
He also directs clients to reconsider what has really happened during their relationship, and what has changed their connection.
You “need to learn, develop, stand up for yourself with love … cherish your partner in the same breath; and speak your truth. Cherish one another, appreciating your own strengths and building on them.
“These skills work whether you are young or old, monogamous or polyamorous, gay or straight, non-binary, or single. There are many reasons why some people don’t have a strong marriage bond. Or, why it weakens over time.”
But how to create a strong marriage, such that even the idea of a partner’s cheating is unthinkable?
Psychologist Dr. John Gottman, PhD., is also a renowned American therapist and author, who speaks of a client whose partner experiences are a “failed bid for connection.” It’s a phrase worth remembering.
Gottman’s work along with his wife Julie suggests in “Why Marriages Succeed or Fail” that a spouse will stop even trying to connect if they reach out but are rejected.
Terrence Real also works with his wife, emphasizing the connection between couples who are true partners in life. He lives what he teaches.
“If these traits have been eroded in your marriage because of unresolved conflict and marital stress, I’d encourage you to seek counselling to get your marriage back on track,” he says.
I’ve noted these two longtime relationship therapists for important reasons from which we can all learn: 1) the high respect they hold within their fields; 2) both have maintained their close partner relationship over many years; and 3) loving and working together has been essential to their own basic message.
By contrast, Gottman lists how people can recognize familiar attitudes that “doom” a marriage: “contempt, criticism, defensiveness and stonewalling.”
His overall message is that “you can avoid patterns that lead to divorce.”
However, with otherwise unknown relationship facts coming from a counsellor who’s unknown to you, I strongly suggest you make an appointment with a graduate psychotherapist to help deal with any future issues of emotional distress.
Similarly, with Terrance Real’s approach to negative relationship problems, he sees his method as “a revolution and guide that will heal our loneliness and isolation by empowering us to reawaken the natural state of closeness we all long for …”
Fortunately, there are several relationship counsellors in Toronto who’ve been trained in Terrance Real’s belief system. A search through Google mentions them, plus their listed contacts and phone numbers.
Remember this: Relationships are delicate, not guaranteed. People change under duress, and lack of communication too easily becomes a pattern. The result creates distance and uncertainty.
And the hurt felt by lessened contact, remote attitudes and diminished conversation can cause an end to both former closeness and yearning.
Cheating on a partner is a crude tool and, if there are no attempts by that person to be open and honest about what’s happened, you’re wiser to recognize it on your own, keep fortifying your inner strength and walk away.
Ellie Tesher is an advice columnist based in Toronto.
