Dear Lisi: When in my early 20s, I met a woman through a friend, and we became good friends. Our friendship lasted about six years until she met a guy and moved away. We kept in touch through social media, but it was sporadic. About two years after that, I met a lovely guy and we dated seriously. We were together close to two years when I found out he had been cheating on me.
You’ll never guess with whom! Apparently, she had come home for some reason several months prior and they had met somewhere. Sparks flew, she extended her stay, he went to her city “on business,” and she came back here many times.
At one point, I even mentioned to her that I was concerned something was amiss in my relationship but couldn’t put my finger on it. She seemed sincerely concerned. Do you think she knew the whole time? Or was this just a terrible coincidence?
We’ve broken up, but she keeps reaching out to me. I can’t bring myself to respond. What do you think?
Cheaters
I’m so sorry your boyfriend cheated on you. That is not a nice feeling at all. You’re definitely better off without him now, before you two made a longer-term commitment and became more intertwined.
As for your “friend,” she might not have had a clue that he was your man, as you two weren’t that close, you were living in different cities, and she might never have even known his name or seen a photo. You could give her the benefit of the doubt.
Either way, in order to have some closure, I would respond. She might feel terribly and apologize profusely. There’s no harm in giving her that opportunity. She might not have known he had a girlfriend, let alone that it was you. What she does with that information is up to her.
Either way, you are two people down because he’s out and she’s out. Even if she was duped, you don’t want her as a friend. Move on.
Reader’s Commentary Regarding the woman afraid to travel to New York City (April 25) and your response (June 4):
“On June 4, you agreed with the reader that muggings can happen anywhere, and that there are places in Toronto that are too dangerous to walk.
“However, you completely misrepresented the other point made, in which the reader questioned whether the friend in New York who was mugged ‘did something DIFFERENT that made herself appear as a vulnerable, isolated woman’ and whether she had been consuming alcohol or doing something ‘stupid,’ etc.
“This reader did NOT say that the friend did anything to bring on the mugging. They DID talk about the decisions that everyone can make that can reduce the chances that something like that will happen. I have read articles and seen interviews with violent offenders who explain how they specifically look for certain characteristics in potential victims, including analyzing their posture and demeanour (they prefer women who are alone in isolated areas, and look nervous and weak; this is the ‘vulnerable’ and ‘isolated’ that the letter-writer described).
“There is a big difference between suggesting ways for this woman to make decisions that will lessen her odds of getting mugged (just like you yourself choose not to walk in certain areas at certain times). You can avoid walking alone, avoid drinking (which can affect your alertness and ability to make good decisions in the moment), avoid certain areas at certain times, and be aware of walking in an assertive and confident way. These are things she has control over and can choose in order to keep herself safe. Until predators don’t exist anymore, we must become aware of how to keep ourselves safe and teach others to do the same.”
Lisi – I printed this commentary because it fleshes out my response in greater degree. I agree completely that we need to learn how to protect ourselves and teach others similarly. And yes, there are times when anyone, not just women, can do things that make them more vulnerable.
But suggesting that someone did something stupid, which then caused them to be mugged, didn’t sit right with me. Again, victims should never be blamed.
Dear Lisi: How can I get my boyfriend to try different positions in bed?
Bored
Does it always have to be in bed? Maybe try different locations — same position — to up the excitement first. If that goes well, introduce new positions. As awkward as many people find it, it’s good to talk about your sexual desires. You can’t expect him to read your mind.
Have fun!
Lisi Tesher is an advice columnist based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions to [email protected].
