Dear Lisi: It’s a hot summer! Everyone is wearing as little clothing as they can get away with. I appreciate that. But my girlfriend’s bestie keeps showing up in a very small bikini top that shows her underboob, leaving nothing for the imagination. She’s a large girl who doesn’t exercise, so she’s unfit and flabby.
I’m embarrassed to be seen with her. My girlfriend is smokin’ hot, and we work out, so we’re fit. We care about our health and our physique. This girl doesn’t.
My girlfriend loves her bestie and has tried to tell her that she should get healthy, by losing some weight and working out, but she’s not interested. It’s not our problem, so we don’t push it. But it’s not appealing to see her letting it all hang out.
How can we explain this to her?
Unfit Friend
YOU shouldn’t say a word. Your girlfriend could continue discussing health with her friend. She could also discuss her wardrobe choices, because that’s what friends are for — to tell you what looks good. However, if this woman has decided she’s happy with her weight, her body, and her outfits, then you two need to back off.
Love her for who she is.
Dear Lisi: A few years ago I sent a friendly note to a previous work colleague/friend. We reconnected and I invited her (and her husband) to my cottage where she and I had spent some good times together.
Back then I often had a few too many drinks and smoked. I don’t anymore. But she still does.
The first year she visited my cottage, her drinking was so bad she was unable to carry on a conversation and I had to help her walk. Her husband is also a heavy drinker but didn’t require assistance and could still speak. The drinking starts early, the smoking is omnipresent even though she goes outside.
I don’t enjoy the visit for these reasons. When she’s sober and not smoking, she’s smart, fun and engaging.
I invited them up again last year, but it was worse.
She’s been proactive about getting together and we’ve met for lunch twice. We had a good time. At the last lunch she strongly hinted about an invite for this summer.
I responded by text to say that it won’t work out this year due to family commitments, which is partially true. However, the real reason is the smoking and drinking.
Her response was, “Are you breaking up with me”? I haven’t responded since I’ll have to explain the real reason, but I don’t want to hurt her. I also don’t want the drama! Her life isn’t going the way she’d hoped. She has a very fractured relationship with her teenage son, and I think her marriage is struggling. She doesn’t have many friends anymore, or a good relationship with her siblings.
Do I disappear or prepare for the hard conversation?
One vice too many
Don’t disappear; you can do better than that. You have a healthy relationship and family, and plenty of support. From your description, she doesn’t have any of that.
It’s kind of you to be worried, but you’ll be doing her a favour by being honest. Second-hand smoke is toxic to everyone around, the smell lingers, and it’s extremely unhealthy and unpleasant. But it’s an addiction that she may not be able to quit. Drinking can be a social exercise, if one can control their own intake. Again, she could be an alcoholic and unable to simply quit.
I would tell her that you’re happy to be her friend, continue going out for lunch, but the cottage is a non-smoking environment (especially if you have seniors or grandchildren around), and not a place for excessive partying.
FEEDBACK Regarding the neighbour and the cat (June 6):
Reader – “One element that baffles me from this story is that the cat owner became unreachable, therefore abdicating all responsibility. How irresponsible. Yes, there may be an extenuating circumstance, but a clear line of communication should have been established to ensure the owners precious cat was well cared for.
“Given the several ways we now have to stay in constant contact, some people don’t understand that it is important to do so. To acknowledge a question, or sometimes even a remark made through an email, text, or WhatsApp is simply good manners. We have a responsibility to teach this to our children and grandchildren as our society becomes less and less social.”
Lisi – My understanding was that the owner was inadvertently unreachable, not unresponsive, and was extremely grateful to the neighbour for taking such good care of her cat under the circumstances.
Lisi Tesher is an advice columnist based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions to [email protected].
