Dear Lisi: I’m a brand-new mom. I’m married to a man I adore and, thus far, he is a wonderful partner and father. I am eligible for a year of maternity leave at my place of work, and we can afford for me to take the time off. I have always wanted a baby and to spend the year as a stay-home mom.
Though I feel blessed and grateful, I hate to say it, but I also feel exhausted, inarticulate and disgusted.
Babies are so gross. The constant spit up, urine-soaked diapers, and the explosive bowel movements that go straight up the back are beyond anything I ever imagined.
My husband is helpful when he’s home, but he’s at work most days, all day. I don’t resent him; he has a serious career and people rely on him. Plus, we benefit as a family from his income. But if I could find a dedicated diaper-changer, I’d hire them in a heartbeat.
Same goes for breastfeeding. I know it’s best for the baby, and I’m happy to oblige. Fortunately, it’s been easy for us both. But the drool, the excess, the spit up, the ever-present smell of sour milk. Why aren’t wet-nurses around anymore?
How am I going to make it through this year?
Grossed-out Mom
I hear you and feel your pain. You should write all of this down and blog it. There isn’t a mom out there who wouldn’t empathize. I had to laugh at the very description of the explosive up-the-back bowel movements.
Yes, babies are overwhelmingly exuberant in their bodily functions. You could say, even gross. But they’re also an extension of your love for your husband, a piece of your family puzzle, and a genetic mélange of two lineages to further life on this planet. In other words, a miracle.
There isn’t a mom out there who doesn’t need help at some point, especially during that first year of their first baby’s life. So, ask for help.
Get some rest and proper nutrition. You need to be the best you, you can possibly be. And then savour every moment — the good, the bad, and the gross — because it’s true what “they” say. It all goes by way too quickly.
Reader’s Commentary regarding the woman with the hot boyfriend (June 14):
“As you know, I often get a chuckle out of your correspondents, and your responses, whether I agree with what I read or not.
“Boy, you nailed it in your response to the young woman who felt she was her handsome BF’s ‘bit on the side.’ I loved it. The idea of them walking into a room exuding pheromones like cheap cologne is terrific. Eat your heart out, girls.
“I imagine you’ll get a few indignant responses from old (and not-so-old) fogies about your rather saucy advice, but you just ignore them, and remember you’ve got one old guy (78, with a loving partner of the same age) on your side.
“Way to go!”
Dear Lisi: The saying goes, “forgive and forget.” But do we always have to forgive those people who have wronged us? And if we forget, aren’t we leaving ourselves open to the same thing happening again?
Advice Please
No, we don’t always have to forgive people, nor do we have to forget. We have to do what works best for us, as individuals, under the circumstances.
Forgetting allows some people to move forward and not wallow. Forgiveness sometimes needs to focus on ourselves for allowing things to happen.
It’s not a simple question, nor a simple answer. Do what works best for you.
FEEDBACK regarding the seniors’ dental plan issue (June 5):
Reader — “I’m a dental assistant and can explain the issue. The CDCP was rolled out too fast and there are many flaws. The government is passing it off as a free program, but it’s not free. They should be calling it a subsidized program.
“The amount that the CDCP covers isn’t even enough to cover the overhead costs of running an office and the supplies needed. The amount of money allocated to the program is also not enough. The amount they cover per procedure isn’t enough and we can’t collect the difference because it’s supposed to be free.
“Offices would lose thousands of dollars by signing up for the program, which is why - along with how confusing the tier system is, and the paperwork involved — many are not. Once things improve, I’m sure more will join, but there are too many bugs to work out for now.”
Lisi Tesher is an advice columnist based in Toronto. Send questions to [email protected].
