Dear Lisi: My son and his girlfriend have asked if they can come up to the cottage for a week this summer, and my wife and I have of course said yes. The only problem is that they came up earlier in the season for a weekend and it was extremely uncomfortable for me and my wife.
The girlfriend is very open with her body and her love for our son. She walks around the house in her underwear, a cropped tee and no bra. It is hot in the cottage, but…
And she will sit on our son’s lap, kiss him passionately, and forget that we are right there. She’s a lovely girl, friendly, warm, grateful and kind. But we do NOT want to be around this for a week.
What do we do? We don’t want to upset our son, or his girlfriend.
PDA
You need to talk to your son alone first. He may be oblivious to how her dress and actions come across. Once you point it out, he may get it right away and be fully on board with talking to his girlfriend about it.
That would be perfect, because I believe it will land better if it comes from him. But, if he doesn’t understand, then perhaps your wife could have a “girl” talk with his girlfriend, woman to woman.
I hope for your sake this young woman can understand why she needs to dress slightly more demurely in your presence and keep her passion in private.
Dear Lisi: I’m a 74-year-old retired man, and recently contacted a cousin whom I’ve always respected and admired. Over coffee it was intimated that I was not a very nice person growing up. I was crushed to hear this. I remember being a poor student in school and spending more than my share in front of the class being strapped for disrupting. I was punished at home with spankings. I thought that kept me in check. I was mistaken.
My mother, in a previous marriage, had lost two infants at birth and my father had lost a son who drowned when he was eight years old. When my folks got together, they had me late in life and almost lost me to pneumonia when I was four.
We were poor, and alcohol was not a friend to our family. I remember attending a couple of meetings for Adult Children of Alcoholics. It appeared to me after speaking with a few members that all we wanted was to be told that we were not bad children. I thought I did well.
I always worked, was not violent to my family and friends, and worked for the same company for 38 years. Yes, there was a divorce. And 18 years later, there was another marriage (we’ve been married 25 years now). My daughter, my stepdaughter and my foster daughter have many times told me of their love and appreciation for me.
As I mentioned, the conversation with my cousin crushed me. I’ve thought of a saying by the Scottish poet Robert Burns: “o wad some pow’r the giftie gie us to see oursels as ithers see us.” I know I’m not a saint and when I think back, I’m reminded of many foolish things I’ve done in the past.
What should I do with this new information? Do I just put on my big boy pants and suck it up? Is this the gift of Robert Burns given to me late in life? I truly hope that in the last 40-plus years I’ve been a decent sort.
Crushed Cousin
A marriage that has lasted 25 years. A job that has lasted 38 years. Three children who vocalize their love and appreciation of you. You are a good person and blessed. We’ve all made mistakes in life. Apologize to your cousin and move on. Focus on the good.
FEEDBACK regarding the cat owner on vacation (June 6):
Reader – “Why would a cat owner allow their cat to go outside unless contained? I have two cats and they only go outside if on a leash or in a cage. Bird populations are declining, and cats are a contributing factor to this decline.
“Also, rodents are carriers of disease, some of which are quite serious. Responsible cat owners do not allow their cats to roam free outdoors period.”
Lisi – I am not a cat owner, but my neighbour has two and they run around the neighbourhood all the time. There are another three on our street and they have full freedom to come and go as they please. I don’t see a problem with that and obviously neither do they. To each their own.
Lisi Tesher is an advice columnist based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions to [email protected].
