Dear Lisi: My daughter’s best friend’s mom is a lovely person who responds quickly and is easygoing and accommodating when making plans for the girls. Her daughter is always at my house, or my daughter is at hers. We share similar parenting values, agreeing on when we think they’re old enough to have a phone, wear make-up, be on TikTok, etc.
However, lately I’ve been noticing that though she is OK with whatever I plan, her go-to is less fun, less exciting — just less. The girls have a big party that they are planning for their friends from dance and have been working on it for a few months now. They brought us their wish list, we pared it down, and then told them to go for it.
Now my daughter’s BFF’s mom is suggesting we remove half the items from the party. She’s trying to kibosh everything from the food to the decor to the entertainment. And it’s not about the money. For one, she’s rolling in it. But also, we have few costs because all the other moms are pitching in.
My daughter and her friend are crying to me, and I don’t know how to respond without muttering what I really want to say to this woman out loud. Help!
Debbie Downer
Call this woman and ask her what has changed since you first went over the party details and agreed on all the things. Is it actually the party that has her knickers in a twist, or is there something else going on in her life that is spilling over? Even though it’s not your business, you may get her to see that she’s projecting, and she may back off.
Or she can explain why each thing is bothering her and you can hear her out. I’m unclear on the age of the girls, but you may want to advocate on their behalf, and then bring them into the discussion. They may be able to see that, for example, they don’t need to release live doves (even if the doves belong to someone else and there is no cost involved).
It’s a good learning process all around.
However, if this woman is just saying no for the sake of it, or because it doesn’t appeal to her, then it’s important for her to understand that this isn’t about her. It’s about your daughters. And if this is what they want, then it’s unkind of her to try to change it for her tastes.
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