Dear Lisi: My girlfriend and I have been dating for over a year. We are both 30, neither have ever been married. She has a three-year-old from a previous relationship.
She told me about her daughter on our first date, but I was smitten. I met her after we dated for about four months, on a chance encounter at the local ice cream store. She was sweet and adorable. About two months later, we took her out for a picnic in the park.
The past six months, I have slept over and crept out early, which then morphed into being at the breakfast table when she woke up. The last time I stayed over, she “caught” us asleep in bed and snuggled in beside her mom.
Our relationship is now at the point where we’re either looking at a future together, or we need to end it. I’m confused and torn. I love my girlfriend, and I adore her daughter. But I’m not sure I want to become a dad immediately. I envisioned meeting someone, dating, getting married, and in time, having our own family.
What should I do?
Not ready
The decision is entirely yours (assuming your girlfriend agrees), but I’m happy to help you work it through. Your sign-off is clear that you’re not ready, and if this is how you truly feel, then there’s your answer.
But if you love this woman, and can see yourself spending your life with her, maybe change your perspective.
What you envisioned as your relationship path has only changed slightly with this woman. You met her, dated, you could get married and have as many kids as you agree upon. Plus one.
Think of this child as a gift, an extra blessing in your life. And lucky you, you got to skip the sleepless nights and multitude of diaper changes (coming from a person who LOVES the newborn phase).
Life is hard, love is special, and all relationships take work. If you’ve found someone to love and do life with, I’d go for it.
Reader’s commentary regarding the sad widow (June 13):
The story of the young widow resonated with me. When I was 34, my husband went to work on a Monday and never returned. I was eight weeks pregnant at the time. Grief was heavy and strong emotions welled up at the most unexpected times. Your advice was sound. Be her authentic self as this experience is now part of her makeup!
It was healing for me to accept help from others, of a spiritual, physical and emotional nature. This might mean getting out and looking for solace in connections with others. Not for a date, but to get to know others in a neutral environment.
Secondly, focus on the kids, as they need all the love and support you can give them. That might help her meet others in the various activities that would be natural … sports, shopping, hikes etc.
Thirdly, while the tragedy can’t be understated, the empathy and understanding that has been gained can be used to help others. Extending ourselves can lessen the feelings so we can manage our grief better.
It will never be gone completely, but time will give perspective. Getting out of our shell can help us meet others who share similar experience, or perspectives and these connections can build.
I was on my own for 25 years, and raised children. I worked on myself and through extending myself, I eventually met the most empathetic, deeply spiritual man I could imagine. We clicked and have been together ever since. When I think back to all the tears I shed in those early days, it feels like a miracle to have a caring loving relationship again! That young widow will find another… but she must give it time first.
FEEDBACK Regarding the sad widow (June 13):
Reader — I am a guy who has been on the receiving end of such behaviour. I’m back on the dating scene, and over 60. Many ladies I meet are either divorced or widowed.
I recently met a nice woman who cried when talking about her recently deceased husband. That just showed me a lady with compassion and feelings. I’m NEVER going to replace a deceased husband. I can only fill a void left by his passing.
I’m learning to accept without judgment. To be honest, if a widowed woman doesn’t exhibit feelings of loss, I would wonder.
So, to Sad Widow, PLEASE JUST BE YOURSELF. The ‘right’ guy will totally understand and appreciate you. If he doesn’t, he’s not the right guy for you. And do not be afraid to proceed slowly.
Lisi Tesher is an advice columnist based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions to [email protected].
