Dear Lisi: My son is involved with a woman with whom he fathered a child. He is still married to his wife and has young children with her. I don’t like this woman, the girlfriend, for many reasons, one of which is she has an unkind streak. She also seems to be lacking in common courtesy.
The two of them were given a baby shower by her mother and sisters that was held in the mother’s home. We went with gift in hand. Within 15 minutes the father came, said who he was, held out his hand, turned and left. We never saw the mother. It appeared that all the men at the shower were outside enjoying a beer except for the three men in our group who arrived together. No one ever came to invite them out to the backyard for a beer or anything else.
The rest of the women at the party were upstairs in the kitchen and living room. Every now and then two or three women would come down to the party room with glasses of wine in their hands to see some presents being opened, then turn and go back upstairs after a few minutes. I felt very awkward being in the hostess’ home and I didn’t even know what she looked like. When it came time to leave, we came upstairs, put on our shoes and left without being approached and told goodbye. I swore to never to step foot in the house again. I was so embarrassed and felt slighted.
It’s a year later and a first birthday party is being held for the child at, you guessed it, the grandparents’ place. I am expected to attend. The LAST thing I want is to walk into that house and be totally ignored again. I already have a gift and would like to just hand it to my son and tell him why I’m not attending or pretend to be sick, something, anything! Obviously, I am not deciding one way or the other with a totally unbiased mind. What are your thoughts?
VERY Reluctant Guest
You lost me at the fact that your son has fathered a child with another woman WHILE STILL MARRIED to someone else caring for his other small children. You’re a good grandmother to want to be involved and present in this innocent child’s life. But you can do so on your own terms, and on your own turf.
I wonder how his wife will feel about your involvement. Since your loyalty is to the grandchildren, I would tell your daughter-in-law how you feel and why you are doing what you’re doing. You don’t want her to find out and then disallow you access to your grandchildren.
Back to the birthday party, you don’t need to go. But if you can just walk in, say hello to the other grandparents (make it your mission to find them), give your grandbaby a hug and a gift, say hello to the baby’s mother, then you can leave. Short and on your terms.
FEEDBACK Regarding the boy who came home with his ear pierced (July 8):
Reader 1 — “This is shocking! Unless the boy assured the other parent that his mother was (or would be) fine with him doing it. You never know what kids might say to get away with something. If that did not happen, then the other parent should have had him call home or she should have called to ask first. A head-shaker for sure.”
Reader 2 — “My concern about the 15-year-old who came home with his ear pierced is about his decision making. I think you were right that the mom should move past the fact that the piercing is done. But if this were my kid, I might be talking a bit more about the choices that went into the piercing.
“While there is no legal age for ear piercing in Ontario, most reputable shops won’t perform piercings on anyone under 16 without parental consent. So, did he do it himself? If it was done professionally, how did they pick the piercing establishment? Did the friend’s mom know what they were doing? Did he think through the risks? I know a 14-year-old who ended up with a serious infection on her self-pierced ears (that she tried to hide from her parents, which only made things worse).
“I hope he thought through his decision, rather than acting on pure impulse.”
Lisi Tesher is an advice columnist based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions to [email protected].
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