Last week, we had a question from a parent about how to “explain” suicide to children. “It’s a topic I’d like to avoid, but sometimes it’s unavoidable, if it comes up in newspapers or on TV, and I find it even harder to explain than murder (although that one is hard, too).”
Here’s what our parent educators had to say:
The answer really depends on the age of your children. Younger children will likely be oblivious to such things in newspapers or on TV, but older children will need a sensitive approach to death and suicide. If your child asks you why someone commits suicide, the answer could be something like this: “You know that sometimes people get sick and die. Sometimes, we cannot tell if someone is sick, since the illness is invisible on the outside. For example, if someone has a heart attack and dies, there is often no way to tell before it happens. Similarly, if someone is sick in his mind, he could die, and that is what we call suicide.”
What they may really want to know is whether their parent will die. This kind of worry is too much for a child to bear, so you could simply say, “Don’t worry. I am not planning on going anywhere. I will always be your mother.”
Jean Bigelow
Parent consultant
Children in the preschool years understand very little about death, let alone a concept such as depression or trauma, so that wouldn’t be a conversation you would have. If the child is around 10, you can sensitively provide information. That means only giving information that the child seems ready and able to hear. Don’t use a lot of big words or talk over the child’s head. Too often, parents use way too many words, which doesn’t give room for the child to express himself or ask questions.
You might say something like, “When a person is very depressed, their brain can trick them into thinking it would be a good idea to not be here. Or sometimes, something awful happens to somebody and they don’t talk about it. They might be scared about what will happen if they tell. In both cases, if a person were to talk to somebody and get help, they would see that there are other options.”
This is a simple explanation, but so much depends on the child’s age and experience with suicide.
To talk to your child, you need to do some of your own research. There are many great websites and organizations, including Need2 Suicide Prevention Education and Support (need2.ca) in Victoria, and Suicide.org. Once you get clear with the facts, then you can connect with your child by responding to questions in a sensitive manner.
By sensitive, I mean tapping into how much your child is able to understand and how the information is affecting her. As with any complex subject, it may not be just one conversation.
Allison Rees
LIFE Seminars
Parenting courses
Next question:
My daughter is 6 1/2 and in Grade 1. When she applies herself, she does well in reading and math, but she’s very easily distracted and has a hard time focusing on her work, at home and in school. At school, the teacher frequently separates her from her peers so she can get her work done.
For a few months, there was no improvement, so I recently offered her the incentive that if she does better on her report cards, I’ll enrol her in gymnastics. Are we on the right track?
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